Q&A: My Wife Is Self Conscious About Her Body

beautifulHey guys, my wife of 5 years has always been very self conscious about her body even though she is a very good looking woman.  After the birth of our 2nd child 4 months ago she has gotten much worse. She has lost almost all of the weight from the pregnancy already but reminds me at least once a day that she weighs over 30 lbs more than when we met. She also now has a second scar from a C-section. She has been complaining about the first one since the birth of our first child so I can’t see that getting any better. Whenever the subject of her weight or scars come up I tell her that she looks great but she doesn’t believe me. She says things like ‘you have to say that because you’re my husband’ and other times just doesn’t understand why I’m attracted to her. She gets uncomfortable when I see her naked and prefers to keep some of her clothes on when we are intimate.

For years we have had sex 2 or 3 times a month which is less than I would like but I’ve come of accept it as an ok amount for us.  Since the birth of our 2nd child 4 months ago, we’ve only had sex once. Whenever I try she tells me shes just not feeling sexy.

More sex would be awesome but this question isn’t just about that, I really want her to be happy with herself and I don’t know how to make her feel attractive or sexy. Any insight or advice would be appreciated.

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Q&A: I Haven’t Had Sex With My Wife In 7 Years

3ba6ab1c317844c9716122024fb10f83Hello, my wife and I have been married for 30 years this year. She was 34 and I was 28 when we first got married. When we first met we talked to each other over two hours at a bar (waiting for other friends to show to go to a Sounders game) before I even asked her name. We clicked instantly and spent the week-end together. In six months we were married. She looked like a model, so very beautiful, kind, loving, and smart. She is still beautiful, and I love her soul, at least the part she lets me into.

We are/were hippies, a product of the times and proud of it. I have had image issues in the past due to being born with a cleft-palette (no nose, no roof in my mouth, oversized lower lip, etc.), though this was all corrected beautifully when I was fifteen years old. I was 6′ 2″ when I was in fifth grade but I felt sorry for the kids who made fun of me. Another story for another place.

woodstock1Background; I figured I’ve slept with about 10+ women, my wife told me that she has slept with 300+ people before me. That has not bothered me as it was all before me, actually kind of impressed and a bit of a turn on. I truly believe in “Make Love – Not War” Not an issue, just background info.

In the beginning, the sex was great, communication was flowing non-stop (on the phone with her for five to six hours at a time). An amazing, whirlwind, of a time. Then as the wedding got closer she got sick. It turned out to be morning sickness. She had stopped taking her birth control pills but failed to let me know this fact. Our son, now grown, was born nine months later. He is one of the finest young men I know and I am so happy that he is here. I was hurt at the time about not being let in on the decision. Sex takes a holiday. We have our daughter and another difficult pregnancy. Sex takes a holiday, understandable. After we get the family settled the sex becomes bit more frequent but less emotional on her part, more mechanical. I tried to make suggestions to spice up our love life but was rebuffed on numerous occasions.

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Q&A: My Husband Kept Track Of Me Rejecting Sex

spreadsheetI will try to make this as short as possible.  I have already posted this other places but I also wanted to get opinions from certain blogs I read every now and then. The consensus elsewhere was very mixed, although a lot of people sided with my husband actions.

Anyway, I left for a 10 day business trip and received an email from my husband while I was waiting in the airport.  The email was very negative and accused me of checking out of our marriage due to the fact I had turned down sex or rejected sex with him several times.  After reading the email, I felt I was blamed for a lot of our problems and I guess sex was the biggest issue.  I have tried to call my husband and he will not answer his phone.  In his email, he included a spread sheet which I have attached to this email. The spreadsheet supposedly shows all the days and reasons I turned him down.  I do not remember most of these days but, I do know that I keep the house clean and make dinner for him most nights.  I also work full time and go the gym frequently because lately my self image has dropped drastically.   I don’t see any spreadsheets regarding when I did housework or made him dinner, so I guess that isn’t as important to him?

According to his ‘document’, we’ve only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 “attempts” on his part.

I admit, our sex life has tapered in the last few months, but isn’t that allowed? We are adults leading busy, stressful lives. I cook for him, I do his laundry, I keep our house clean and tidy. It’s not like our sex life was going to be this way forever, it was a temporary slow-down due to extenuating circumstances.

My weekday routine has been shower, go to work, get off at 4pm, go home and cook dinner, go to the gym, watch some TV, sleep. He’s never up to have sex in the morning, and I never want to have sex after being all sweaty and gross from the gym.

Am I wrong here or is my husband acting childish?

Venice’s response:

Is he acting childish? I don’t think so. It’s pretty sad that he has to resort to a spreadsheet to remind you that you aren’t giving him sex or intimacy. He has to arm himself with documentation to show you that you’re being a crappy wife, which is pretty pathetic on your part. He has anticipated you responding to his complaints with, “I do give you sex.  It’s not that bad, we have sex a few times a week.  Prove that I don’t.” Good for him, bad for you. Your sex life “taper[ing] in the last few months” is downright ridiculous and absolutely should not be acceptable. We all lead busy lives – work, family, chores, not to mention the unexpected events you can’t plan for. But that’s life and it will never get easier. You have to adapt and not allow your marriage to suffer because you’re tired from LIFE.

As a working mother, I understand how difficult it can be to balance family priorities, work priorities, and wife priorities. However, believe it or not, the easiest of the three is probably wife priorities. I’ve learned to rearrange my day based on the time I need to start my husband’s day off right. And if it means waking up 15 minutes early, missing a TV show, making a meal that requires little prep time, or all of the above, then I am more than happy to do it. The little things that take up your time add up, so I take that time back. Trust me – it can be done. The first thing I did was to whittle down watching TV to about 1-2 hours a week. TV does nothing for me and unless we’re watching something together, it’s a waste of time, for me at least. Learn to prioritize and figure out what things matter the most in your life, what makes the biggest impact on your marriage and decide on how you can change these things to strengthen your relationship and marriage.

I found that if my man is happy in bed, things just fall into place. I, myself, am more happy when I know I’ve satisfied my man. I know that he isn’t sexually frustrated, therefore he’s in a better mood. He tends to give me more affection, be more patient, and be extra loving.  And most of all, he is more proactive in ensuring the little things I care about also get done.  I take care of his needs, he takes care of mine.

Ryan’s response:

So wait, you went 27 days without sex, even knowing you were leaving on a 10 day business trip?  I mean, I understand you are trying to paint the picture that he is childish and overreacting…but 27 days?   Seriously?  You expect him to be happy not being intimate with his wife after 27 days, knowing you are leaving for 10 more days and still ignoring his needs?   That would be 37 days totally sexless for your husband.   Do you honestly feel that is justifiable?   How do you forget that you are leaving on a business trip and not take care of your husband’s needs before you leave?

I’d rather have a dirty house and eat Top Ramen every night for 37 days than go sexless.  I’d rather eat a shit sandwich and wake up in a pile of dirty laundry than be ignored by my wife for 37 days.  Is missing your television show really more important than missing your marriage?

You should be the one doing the Q&A, because I have so many questions for you.

I’m noticing reading the spreadsheet that you used the excuse, “I feel gross and sweaty” multiple times.  Not only that, you refuse to take a shower after going to the gym so you remain “gross and sweaty” throughout the night?  So many shades of wrong there. First of all, shower when you get home from the gym.  If that means you have to add an extra shower in your schedule, do that.  Not that showering habits are something we help people with, but in your case, your showering habits are possibly hurting your relationship.  It’s also very possible you may not enjoy sex at night because after sex, you have to wash off (or yes, even shower).  Apparently you only want to shower in the morning?  I would be extremely disgusted if Venice came back from the gym and just slept in our bed.  Not just sweat, dirt, and body odor, but also, staph, sweat, and germs from a 100 other people that used the gym equipment that night.  Absolutely disgusting.

If Venice was to say to me she feels dirty and gross when I suggest sex to her, I’d just respond, “Let’s take a shower together then.”  Not in a mean demanding way, but this is just common sense to me.  However, usually after a workout, I can’t keep Venice off of me.  She is playful when she is sweaty and actually enjoys staying sweaty and killing two birds with one stone.

Time management.

In your defense, it is possible your husband didn’t really want to try hard to get sex because he knew he was keeping track of all your silly excuses for 7 weeks.   The spreadsheet wouldn’t mean much if he actually pushed the issue and ended up getting sex more than 3 times.  So maybe the spreadsheet is a little over the top, but it worked.   I don’t see how anyone can read that spreadsheet and not see there is a problem with your relationship.

I’ve preached about intimacy in the past.  A healthy couple should practice intimacy each day.  And before this reply gets side swiped by someone suggesting, “Well, sex isn’t the only form of  intimacy!”  That’s correct, but it’s the form I need each day to feel close to my soul mate. If you have another form of intimacy you would like to practice each day, then stack that on top of having sex each day so both people in the relationship get the intimacy they need daily. Because there are different forms of intimacy doesn’t mean one is replaceable. Sex is how two people bond physically and mentally.  Sex is how a marriage becomes a unit, a single person.  Even if just for a brief period, you both have the same goal.  No matter what is going on in your life, you are both operating and functioning together as one.  This is why intimacy is so important.  You exercise each day for a healthy heart, you have sex and intimacy each day for a healthy marriage.

Him not answering the phone is nothing more than showing you how serious this issue is.  If you have not been answering your biological phone for his intimacy needs for 27 days, don’t get upset when he doesn’t answer the phone for a few hours because of your need to talk to him.  He is busy.  Maybe he is doing the laundry or making himself dinner?  Maybe he is feeling gross because he is laying around after spending time in the gym?  I mean, he may call you back in the morning but he probably doesn’t want to be woke up.  No big deal, don’t overreact or act childish about it.  If he doesn’t call you back in 7 weeks, email us back.

spreadsheet

Q&A: My wife asked me not to cum in her. Is this okay?

nocumJohn via the internet

Hello Venice and Ryan.    I guess my email isn’t really a question but I just want some sort of confirmation that I have the right to be mad and upset.  My wife, who is on birth control, was having sex with me about 2 months ago and said, “Please do not cum in me, it feels gross.”  I immediately stopped having sex because I was pissed  and left the room.  The next time we had sex, she said the same thing again.  This time I didn’t really want to stop though, so I pulled out and came on her.  Since then,  I have had sex a few more times and I have had to either pull out and cum in my own hand or on top of her stomach.  If I cum on her stomach she makes sounds like, “Ehhhhhh”.  Is this normal?  Do I have a right to be pissed off? 

By the way, I have been married for 8 years and up until a few months ago, I have always came inside her and she never showed any signs of being grossed out by my cum.  

Venice’s response:

Yes, you have a right to be pissed off!  After eight years of marriage you would think that she would be used to seeing, feeling, and tasting your cum.

My feeling towards Ryan’s cum is this: I love it.  I don’t want to see it wadded on a piece of toilet paper to be flushed down the toilet when I can have it in my mouth or being absorbed in my pussy or ass.  I don’t want to see it on the floor or the table or the stairs (yes, it’s been to all those places before).  His cum is not his, it’s mine.  Even after I’ve drained him dry and his balls are already creating more juice for me, it’s all mine.  His cum represents life, my love for him, his most sacred fluid and I am the only person in the world who can have it.  No one can make it shoot from his body except for me.  If he wanted to jack off (and I make sure he cums once a day minimum) and cum, he has to get permission from me or I feel totally disrespected.  I changed my whole attitude towards his cum, but with that, I would now be upset if he wastes it or makes it less special than my mind has made it.  That’s the difference between me not caring where he cums, to now caring, so I want to be a part of his orgasms, always.  If he makes his cum unimportant or something he can just jack off by himself and wipe on an old napkin, then why the hell should I think it’s special and want it in me?   I choose where it goes in my body.  I love the taste, the warmth of it as it leaves his body and shoots onto me.  If it’s on my face, I wipe it clean and lick my fingers.  I feel lucky to be the only person with whom he can share the vulnerable moment when his semen leaves his body. Taking his cum in me is just one way for me to show that I love him.

To hear that your wife doesn’t want it in her pisses me off.  That is the most extreme opposite of how I feel.  I know for a fact that a man loves to see his woman take his cum and swallow it, play with it, rub it on herself, and just enjoy his hot load as it squirts out.  Just like in porn, the final scene is always the cum scene because it’s the perfect way to end a sex session.  She’ll either swallow it, rub it on her tits, or play with it in her mouth.  That’s what men look for.  If your wife can’t do what emotionless adult stars can do, there is something wrong with her.  Husbands and wives should not only love each others’ flaws, bodies, and bad habits, but also the juices made during sex.  After eight years she suddenly wants you to stop showing her your cum?  That doesn’t add up. Something is wrong on her end and the “no cum” attitude is just the starting point.  Don’t let it turn into resentment and hate because that’s where it’s heading.

Ryan’s response:

Yes, you have the right to be pissed off.  That is insane.   I do not agree with the following either, but I can at least understand why a woman wouldn’t swallow.   Sometimes mentally, a taste and texture can just make a person gag or absolutely not want something in their  mouth, and although I disagree (grow up and get over it), I get it.   However, to request that she doesn’t want you to cum inside her vagina because it feels gross  is just an absolute slap to the face.  Unless she is off birth control and worried she may get pregnant, that is just flat out unacceptable in my opinion.   I’d go as far as to say, that is a red flag for the beginning of a divorce, being out of love, and/or her being unfaithful.  A person who begins to bond with someone else will turn their loyalty against you, just to show the other person they are now loyal to them.    Not letting you cum inside her would be a huge loyalty move/ease guilt with her new prospect.   This may be a huge assumption but the least you can do is check up on things and make sure you are still the only person on her radar.   Cum doesn’t get gross 8 years later, especially when cum inside the vagina is as old as people exist.   She is alive because of that “gross” act.

Your cum is an extension of your body and manhood, to be told it’s gross is equivalent to you saying to her, “Can you please put this bag on your head while we have sex, you gross me out.  In fact, keep it on all day and only take it off when I am not around.  I do not want to be reminded that I actually sleep with you.”

Dumb right?   Look into your relationship.  If you are messing up and have stopped giving her the attention she needs, make those changes.   Something isn’t right.  A woman in love wants her man inside her.  In fact, I’d say a woman truly in love wants her man’s fluids inside her, just as much as she wants to kiss him deeply and share saliva, hold hands, look into his eyes, and cuddle him all night so every germ on his body becomes part of her.  Not to mention it goes against every instinct in our bones.  I know people use protection and condoms, but in this case, it isn’t about that.  She called your sperm gross inside her.  EIther she is the most insensitive woman on earth or something is up.

Q&A: I have been married 3 years and have never had sex with my wife.

Dilators

Velvi Dilators for Treating Vaginismus

Sam from California

Hello, I am male, 33 years old, and  married my high school sweetheart.   We have been married 3+ years and still haven’t had sex.    Yes, I have never had sex with her.   I do get the occasional hand job, and maybe once every few months she will actually put her mouth on my penis, so I guess I would call that a blow job.   However, I have never had intercourse with her in any way. 
 
She has tried with other men in the past but it was so painful it made her scream and cry.  Eventually she went to her OB and he diagnosed her with Vaginismus.  She has always been too embarrassed to deal with it.  I love her with all my heart and do not want to put her through any unnecessary shame either.   I would like a child so I have suggested we adopt a child to keep her as stress free as possible.   At times though, I get weak and feel like I am really missing something from this relationship, but I don’t want to blame her.  Am I wrong to feel a bit resentful?  

 
Vaginismus, sometimes anglicized vaginism, is the German name for a condition that affects a woman’s ability to engage in any form of vaginal penetration, includingsexual intercourse, insertion of tampons and/or menstrual cups, and the penetration involved in gynecological examinations. This is the result of a reflex of the pubococcygeus muscle, which is sometimes referred to as the “PC muscle”. The reflex causes the muscles in the vagina to tense suddenly, which makes any kind of vaginal penetration—including sexual intercourse—painful or impossible.
Venice Bloggs response: 
It’s disappointing to hear that you guys have been married for so long and have not been successful at achieving a sex life that includes active sex. To be honest, I’ve had to do some researching on what exactly was vagismus was. The consensus seems to echo several key ideas: vaginal pain during intercourse, vagismus can stem from physical trauma to the vagina, psychological factors, and/or history of discomfort during sex. Fortunately, this is a real medical condition that can be rectified with treatment. Ignoring the problem (and, yes, this is a real problem for you both) or believing adoption of a child will make everything better are two of the worst things you can do. That’s like taking Tylenol for pain caused by kidney stones, when really, you need to take out the dang kidney stones. Treating the symptoms and ignoring the disease will end up disastrous.
By not addressing this problem, you are preventing each other from fully enjoying each other in ways every married couple, in my opinion, should. That may sound a little shallow and maybe it is, but I know I need to have physical, sexual contact with Ryan to feel like I am fully connecting with him. Which is why it’s not the same if I perform oral sex on him until he cums when I’m on my period. I can’t imagine living my marriage like I was menstruating 24-hours a day. People need to connect, mesh, get dirty, plain ol’ fuck, to complete the relationship stage. It’s as if you were both stuck in your 17-year-old mind states: ignoring the problem, appeasing your partner by not taking a stand to do what will help you both, and finding ways to mask the dilemma with an equally problematic solution.
Though your wife’s problem is not uncommon, all the information suggests the same: it’s treatable. Talk to your wife and let her know that it will help you grow and strengthen your marriage. Overcoming her condition will open other doors as far as marital or other problems, as well as break down barriers in and out of the bedroom.
Ryan Bloggs response:
Oh man, I could probably type an essay answering this one.  First, if she is too embarrassed to deal with it, how does she even know she has Vaginismus?  My first suggestion is for her to see an OB/GYN and actually get some sort of confirmation she has this ailment.   If she has already done this, how many times have you yourself actually tried to have intercourse with her?   Did she have a boyfriend before you that she tried with and it hurt too bad?  I am sorry I am answering your question with my questions, but it seems like too much is missing here.
As a man, which is the purpose of me and Venice both answering questions, I’d suggest you have a serious discussion with your wife about the importance of sex in your relationship.  I understand this may stress her out, but she needs to decide which stressor is more serious to her .  The stress of an unhappy husband and marriage or the stress of seeing a doctor regarding her condition.  Vaginismus is very treatable, and although it may take a while for her to gradually get used to  the size of your penis, had she started 3 years ago, you both would have been sexually active at this point.
You’ve even suggested adopting a child to ignore the issue altogether.  Is it your plan to be married and raise a family with a woman you’ve never had sex with?   I will never understand this behavior or reasoning.  The foundation to a strong marriage is a great sex life.  If everything is going wrong in your life, the bills aren’t being paid and you are working long hours, the one thing you can control and depend on, is your sex life.   As long as you are both on the same page.  Two people in a marriage can’t control the economy, random stressors, or outside elements that effect a marriage, but they can definitely control their intimacy.  When I am being intimate with Venice, the whole world shuts off around me.  My bubble consists of me and her, her body and mine, our words, our kisses, our bodies melting into each other,  no matter what is around me.  I feel the following statement has became a bit cliche, but women want an Alpha male.   Everything in  your post suggests that you do not mind being her good little boy, even if her condition is serious.   I say that carefully, because I do not want to mock women that suffer from Vaginismus, but I do know that your wife doesn’t suffer from Mouthismus.  Your comment regarding her putting her mouth on your penis every few months tells me that you really are bitter deep down inside and you are taking whatever it is you can get from her sexually.  If your wife wanted to be intimate with you, she would have went to the doctor’s office 3 years ago.   If she was so embarrassed but wanted to please you, she’d satisfy you orally much more than just every few months.  That is absolutely ridiculous.   There are also other options, such as having anal sex, which we have posted about on this blog numerous times.  I am sure her anus functions properly, so she is capable of pleasing you this way if she wanted.  Gay men also have Vaginismus, it’s called a penis hole, but they still seem to have great sex lives.  There are other holes besides the vagina that feel amazing.  I really doubt the lack of sex after 3 years has anything to do with Vaginismus.
Man up.  If her condition is serious, get her to her OB/GYN so she can work her way into at least trying intercourse with you.   Do not suggest adopting kids, as this behavior suggests that you are okay with never have sex with her.  Are you okay with that?
Also, you both need to see a marriage counselor and a sex therapist, this one is way beyond my capacity.  3 years is habit forming.  She possibly has ruled out sex in her life forever.   Not good.