Q&A: I’m Tired of My Husband Watching Porn Before He Has Sex With Me

I’m Tired of My Husband Watching Porn Before He Has Sex With Me

I don’t mind him watching porn in general. Not a big deal. But for the past couple months or so, he will walk into the bedroom fully hard expecting a blowjob, be all revved up because he has been watching porn, and then fuck me. No foreplay to speak of for me really, and if he takes time to do that, then I have to suck him hard again.  That leaves me out of the mood because, well, sucking flaccid dick isn’t super duper hot. Makes me feel kind of pointless and not all that wanted. So lately I’ve just been letting him fuck me and not really bothering with trying to orgasm because there isn’t any guarantee that it is going to last long enough for that. I told him I would like more foreplay and explained this to him and he asked what I want. I said I have no idea, because I’m inexperienced and don’t know what I want in the moment. I just want him. I was told I need to initiate more and ask for foreplay instead of just letting him have sex with me, but as explained, that is also unmotivating. I think I just don’t want to have sex at this point. It’s so much work and very overwhelming.

 

Venice’s response to husband watching porn 

Ryan has done this a few times, but it doesn’t really bother me.  It also never became a habit.  For him it was more of him watching porn late at night while I was in bed.  Rather than finishing by himself, he will come to the bedroom and involve me.  It’s flattering I suppose, because at least I was on his mind.  

Pro:  You are on his mind, because trust me, men can finish by themselves if they are watching porn.  Easy.

Con: Porn is not foreplay and he is disregarding your feelings.  You aren’t a fuck machine and he shouldn’t expect you to get him off just because he is horny from porn.

I understand your issue, although for me, the con doesn’t bother me.  I am totally okay being Ryan’s fuck machine and taking care of him.   If you can find that same submissive girl inside yourself, maybe that is an answer to your problem?

If you think using porn by himself as foreplay is bad, Ryan has also woken me up while pinching the head of his penis, holding a full load of cum in his shaft.  Porn wasn’t even foreplay, it was the whole event!  I just swallowed.  lol   I never really ask what he was doing prior, but I assume he was watching porn and masturbating.  I don’t really care, because I probably just want to go back to sleep.  Rather than waste his cum, he will wake me up and let me know to open my mouth.  Although this sounds awful, I prefer it.  We are intimate enough that he doesn’t need to masturbate, but if he does, I’d like to know it.  Him waking me up is more like him telling on himself. I find it adorable.  He isn’t proud, but he loves seeing me swallow.  I love swallowing him.  This doesn’t happen often, but we have a total open door policy and this is how our relationship works.  No cum gets wasted.

Suggestion:  Watch porn with him.

With all that said, if it bothers you,  tell him it bothers you.  There really isn’t much advice to give other than communicate and let him know that you are not interested in servicing him after he watches porn.  Although what I said was contrary to your experience, that doesn’t make me right.  It’s just what I prefer.  If I was annoyed by Ryan watching porn alone, I’d let him know.  

Ryan’s response to husband watching porn

I think the last comment of your question says it all.  

“I think I just don’t want to have sex at this point. It’s so much work and very overwhelming.”

This is probably why he resorts to porn to get  himself turned on.  He could just finish alone, but he still comes to you for sex.  Maybe you should join him and watch porn with him?  If that also disinterests you, maybe your sex drives just aren’t compatible.  This can be a major issue in a relationship and you may want to read about dead bedrooms and partners with incompatible sex drives.  This pretty much leaves both people totally unsatisfied in a relationship.  One is forced to do something that they find boring, way too much.  The other is forced to deal with no enthusiasm during sex, no initiation, and boring sex.  I’ve learned that the more bored the partner with the low sex drive is, the more they purposely act unenthused.  Consciously or subconsciously they are hoping they can bore their partner into also not wanting sex. Imagine that.

Enthusiasm and attitude is everything.  If you initiate, he probably wouldn’t resort to porn.  However, you will still be dealing with a flaccid penis, because that’s how our penises work. We start all foreplay flaccid, and may even stay flaccid all the way up until penetration.  We have no control over this.  As much as Venice embarrassed me in her response, there was a time when she also had what I consider a very low sex drive.  At least compared to me. I felt bad even asking for sex.  When I did ask, she would purposely give me lifeless oral sex and even sometimes pretend she was falling asleep.  Sex was much the same, but that is how she would get back at me just because I asked for sex.   She wanted me to feel what she felt while having sex.  However, I didn’t feel boredom, I felt unloved and unwanted.  She felt bored and that I wanted her too much. 

Let’s compare these needs?  One feels they are wanted too much.  The other feels unloved and unwanted?

One feels they are used for pleasure.  The other feels unused and can’t give the other pleasure.

I am a bit biased, obviously.  But the issue is real.

I watched porn because it was the only thing that could satisfy my drive. Back then,  I didn’t wake her up, and I didn’t ask her to swallow when I was done.  She hated swallowing!   

We married young and it’s so easy to get caught up in thinking sex is boring and just something adults do.  As we’ve stated since this blog started, our relationship needed a catalyst to realize it’s worth it to have a good attitude, enthusiasm, and be intimate with each other as much as humanly possible.  From a death in our family, to us almost separating, our catalyst was realizing we both didn’t want to give the next person the exact same effort it would require to make that person fall in love, that we could give each other, and fall back in love.   I’ve always said, when you split up, the next relationship will get the best version of you.  So why not just give that best version of you to someone you have history and family with?  That idea changed us.  We started our journey with this new mindset in 2012, when we started this blog. We’ve only gotten closer, more intimate, and have became amazing lovers and best friends.

Back to the topic.  It sounds like your partner may be insensitive.  While at the same time you openly say sex is boring and too much work.  He should work on listening.  You could work on telling yourself that intimacy and sex is a positive bonding experience.  Holding hands, hugging, spending time together talking, can all be too much work if you have negative thoughts about it.  Switch your vibes up and practice being positive.  Nothing will change your life more than good vibes and a positive attitude.

 

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Q&A: I caught my husband masturbating when I was sick

Alyssa via the internet

I was sick the entire weekend and on Sunday (still suffering but nearing the end of my sickness) my husband was acting really sweet to me.  He came upstairs and asked if I needed anything.  I let him know I could use a glass of water and maybe some cuddle time.  He went downstairs and brought me a huge glass of ice water and kissed me on the forehead.  He said he had to finish up some work on his computer and he’d be right back to cuddle.  After about 20 minutes I was restless so I got up and walked downstairs to check on him.   I thought maybe I would lay in his lap or something while he finished up on the computer. 

Appalled, I watch from the top of the stairs as he is jacking off watching a silent porn on his computer.  At this point I am pissed off so I walk downstairs and stand right behind him.  He has no idea I am there, and I realize he had on headphones.   I hear him grunting and whispering to himself and then I watch him ejaculate.  This was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen him do, I cannot believe my husband still behaves like a horny teenager that jacks off as soon as a responsible adult isn’t around, especially when this responsible adult is sick.  As cums, he puts his head back in chair.  Immediately he notices me standing there.  He hops up as fast as he can trying to put his pants back up.  His filthy cum is all over his hands and clothing.   I absolutely want to vomit at this point.  Disgusted, I reach down and grab his cum off his hand and belt and then slap him straight in the face with it. 

I didn’t say a word and I haven’t spoken with him since.  Did I overreact?  Is it normal for a husband to be so fucking callous and ignore my sick request to cuddle, and instead go downstairs and masturbate to some fucking porn stars?  This behavior is disgusting and I do not know if I will ever get over it.  I also do not get how he could think it was okay to masturbate downstairs, wipe off his little dick and ball germs and come up stairs and hold me?  Again, did I overreact?  Thank you.

Venice’s response:   Have you guys ever addressed this issue before?  Obviously he knows it’s something he needs to keep from you, hence the headphones and the lying about work he had to do.  First, I do believe you overreacted.  This is the kind of reaction I expect  if you caught him having sex with another woman.  But he wasn’t.  Second, he wasn’t having phone sex either, which is still bad because you have to pay for it.  Third, it’s porn.  You can access it on your phone, on your computer, on your television, and even at the gas station.  It’s everywhere.  You can’t keep him from it unless you specifically tell him, “I don’t approve of you watching people fuck.”  Then your husband would know exactly what he can’t do.  Fourth, your situation is a double-edged sword: if you want him to only have sexual relations with you and not porn, then he’ll be an insensitive ass for asking you for sex while you were sick; if he turns to porn, he’s a pervert.  He’s damned if he does and he’s damned if doesn’t.

So where do you go from here? Talk to him about it.  Tell him what exactly pissed you off.  Tell him how disgusted you feel see him jack off.  Tell him you don’t think you’ll ever get over it.  But before you do, think about what masturbating really is.  Every single guy in the world has done it – your dad, your brother, your garbage man, your minister, your high school principal, and the President of the United States.  Your husband isn’t fantasizing of the porn star who’s taking it up the ass by five different dudes and how she’ll iron his clothes in the morning, how she’ll hold him when he’s sleeping at night, or how she’ll comfort him when he’s feeling down.  There’s nothing wrong with what your husband is doing.  It’s as if men are programmed to expel semen their bodies at any and all costs.

What I’m saying is that it’s not the end of the world.  As I said, porn (and sex in general) is everywhere, staring him at the face, making him buy a certain beer, wear a certain pair of shoes, and drive a certain kind of car.  He’s bombarded with it.  The important thing to remember is he’s not acting on his physical impulses.  That would be a different story.  Porn: it’s everywhere, and if you can’t beat ’em join ’em.  Blow your man’s mind and learn to outdo every porn star your husband watches.

Ryan’s response:  I get why you are mad, I think.   You are mad because he was insensitive to your needs, correct?  Not only was he insensitive, he went down and masturbated like everything in life was perfect.  A sick wife upstairs suffering (really?) and wanting to cuddle, but he doesn’t care, he has decided he is going to lie to you so he can go downstairs and watch porn while beating his meat.  I get it.   However, understand this, you were sick all weekend and a man has needs.  Whether you like that idea or not, would you have preferred him to come upstairs and cuddle you, slowly trying to remove your panties so he could stick his dick inside you? Would you have been disgusted if he was cuddling you and got an erection from being turned on (by his sick and suffering wife)? Your sickness doesn’t stop his testicles from producing sperm and hormones that scream in his head all day, “JACK OFF OR GET PUSSY RIGHT FUCKING NOW YOU FUCKING IDIOT”.

You admit that he was being really sweet, so obviously he was taking care of you.  It sounds like he wanted to release some tension and stress and before he did, he wanted to make sure you were totally okay. Obviously cuddling wasn’t in his plans, as he was already worked up and horny.  You carry around  our balls and hormones for a day and let’s see how long you last not getting the release that your most primal instincts are ordering you to do.   It isn’t easy, but he tried to make sure you were okay.  Unfortunately you caught him, which is punishment enough in my opinion.   Even reading this question I was embarrassed for the guy.  Not only did you catch him but then you slapped him in the face with his own semen?   Jesus, the guy has paid his dues already.  Let it go.  Yes, you overreacted.  To answer the question again, yes, you overreacted.  I used to wake up and release my tension, then head to the kitchen and make Venice breakfast.   Do you think she would be disgusted by me for bringing my dick germs to her food?  I think she’d enjoy the meal and an awesome morning of me being able to be sweet to her without ripping off her clothing because I am so horny.  But maybe I am wrong.