Open Relationships (Threesomes) In Hollywood – Robin Thicke and Paula Patton Divorce

paula-patton-robin-thickeVenice: It comes to no surprise to me that actress, Paula Patton, wife of singer Robin Thicke, has finally filed for divorce. I’m not going to go on about “she was too good for him anyway” the way the Ricky Smiley morning radio show did this morning, because she’s not. Paula Patton and Robin Thicke are two beautiful people whose relationship was enviable because of the length of time they’d been together (since they were 14 years old), which is right up there with Denzel & Pauletta Washington (married 31 years) and Kevin Bacon & Kyra Sedgwick (married 26 years). That is the primary reason I had for going “Aww” every time I saw them in a picture together. I’m sure there are other couples who’ve been together longer, but these are the ones that come to mind from my generation. Celebrity or not, you gotta love relationships that (may or may not) outlast their careers.

Ryan: I’ve never heard of either of them.

Venice: Anyway, so upon hearing the news about Robin & Paula’s divorce, I was kind of ehh about it, as if this was something to be expected. Why? There had been rumors about them having threesomes and even being in an open relationship. While I don’t think monogamy or open relationships have anything to do with having a successful marriage, I do believe that their communication has at some point been askewed. I refuse to make a blurred lines joke. It’s been reported that during their two-year threesome affair with a female massage therapist, Paula caught the other woman and her man together. Is this true? Who knows. Only three people in the world know the answer to that. He threatened to sue the magazine for slander because he claims that was a lie. He may drop case completely or even settle quietly in the background because who wants to be remembered as a cheater? Not him. ‘Cause how you gonna make song after song about being in love with a woman (also your baby’s mama) and then cheat on her? You lost all your proverbial street cred, Robin.

Ryan: Oh is this the guy that did the twerk thing on VH1 with Billy Bob Thornton’s daughter?!

Continue reading

Threesome Memoirs: The Young and Flaky

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

young and flakyAs you may or may not already know, Ryan and I have been talking about opening up our bedroom and me being with another woman.  Like any strong and open couple, we discussed our fantasies, boundaries, and how we would go about making this a reality.  We took small steps, i.e., not jumping into hard swinging, talking to others who’ve been down the same road as us, and discussing the best ways to go about finding a third, to ensure we didn’t do anything we’d regret later.

Our journey to find a third to join us in the bedroom has been more entertaining then the experience itself could ever be.  Although there is anticipation, let downs, and mini build-ups with each person we talk with, in the end, the time Ryan and I spend together discussing is worth the emotional roller coaster.

We’ve received offers via our blog and a few dating websites and we try to screen each person the best we can, prior to ever talking to them.  And then, AFTER talking to them, we’re forced to be more blunt and straightforward as far as letting people know exactly what we’re looking for.

Location is the key, they must be close.  It seemed that people wanted to be able to “fuck on a whim” and to be ready when the time came. Then there were the more trickier parts: offers from married women and the married women wanting me to have a threesome with her and her husband (which is basically 99% of every offer), single ladies but only lesbian, married but more into sending pictures than actually meeting, and of course, the very small percentage of women actually interested and comfortable with dealing with a couple.

When we first started blogging about losing my girlginity, it generated a lot of interest and even some offers from bi ladies interested in being my first.  I let it be known that even though we wouldn’t technically be adding a third person into our relationship, I still wanted to get to know the woman as a person and not be hit-it-and-quit-it.  We didn’t want to come off as picky, just careful.  Over time we continued receiving propositions, and although we were flattered, we screened each one.  It was a daunting, but fun task because we got to see the range of ladies (married, single, dating, younger, older, etc.) who were looking to experience another woman and/or a married couple.  We were very interested and eager, but there was always something about each of them that just set off a red flag.

A few months ago, I took a huge leap and called a bi woman who agreed to talk to me on the phone. She was one of our first major prospects (first woman I’ve called)  and one who Ryan and I have now  labeled Ms. Flaky.  When I decided to make that call to Ms. Flaky, Ryan and I were sitting outside waiting for our steaks to marinate. This is our relaxed environment. The weather was nice so I made us a few drinks and I was ready to call. My call had two purposes: to verify that she was really a female and not a man pretending to be woman, and to ask more questions that were just too tedious to discuss through texts or e-mail.  She was able to verify all the information, specifically, is it really a female or some pervert pretending to be one. I require this confirmation because I don’t want to talk to guy pretending to be a girl or a girl who’s talking only to please her man (usually people give off a vibe if they’re being coerced into doing something they don’t agree to).

At first, I was nervous calling, but I knew it had to be done, and this would be what they call the first step in a journey of a thousand miles.  Within seconds, I sensed that she was genuine and not someone who had a phone put into her hand by a controlling man saying, “Just talk for a few minutes.”  She was indeed a female, and not only was she a female, a very attractive one.  She seemed to be interested in hooking up with a couple, no boundaries.  She sent me a picture and I thought she was very cute (probably because of her similar mixed heritage, a plus!).  She willingly answered all our questions and was confident in what she wanted. We discussed potential dates to meet, which days would be best for us, etc.

After hanging up, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I sent her a photo of myself, which she said she liked. Then she asked what Ryan looked like.  I sent two pictures of him, both of which she approved.  That was one of my main concerns, I want the woman to also be attracted to my man.  Because what would that look like: being accepting of a woman who doesn’t think my man’s looks or personality are acceptable to her.  I want everyone to feel sexy and comfortable.

As time went on, Ms. Flaky would send random morning nude photos and halfway attempt to schedule some sort of meet up.  “Maybe we can meet on Sunday?” Yet when asked what time exactly, she’d tell us she would get back to us after she checked her schedule.  Sunday would come and go, and we’d maybe get a few photos but nothing regarding what time she would like to meet.  Of course I don’t want to seem overly pushy, so I don’t beg for a time, and just play each message by ear.  Over the next few weeks, we continued to text. Between texts, she would disappear for a few days, then out of the blue, I’d get another random picture with her soaping up her nude body in the shower.  Ms. Flaky was young so she knew how to string along a young guy I suppose.  But I, on the other hand, have a husband and family. It maybe took me a few of these sporadic texts to realize she was more into the attention we gave her than us as a couple.  Which is okay.  But as the days went on, I tended to pay less attention to her, as we had a few other possibilities lining up.

I joked with Ryan about getting back into the dating scene because it had been so long, but that’s what it felt like trying to get to know a person, texting, making that first call, and hearing them talk for the first time. It was exhilarating, hopeful, and thrilling all at the same time. I knew that getting through this first call would make it easier for me to meet and talk to other women.  Even if our plans with Ms. Flaky never flourished, we’ve taken this step into a lifestyle as a couple, and are much stronger coming in together than we ever were or ever could ever be.   And it is like dating again or almost being sexually reborn.  First contact, first texts, first calls, first meet ups, first kisses, and first tastes.

I still get random messages and photos from Ms. Flaky, but that prospect has passed.  I will take her cute little photos, but meeting up with her is no longer an option.

How To Have A Threesome, even with your wife or girlfriend!

threesome 1

How to have a threesome!  26,000 people recommended this on Facebook?  This website has been recommended by the E! channel?  The same channel that gives us Talk Soup and The Anna Nicole Show?!?  That can’t be!  And I thought E! actually had standards.  I will never trust their TMZ updates again!

Anyway, I was checking out different Google keywords and I saw this infomercial website.   For $47, no, $27, you can unlock the secrets to having a threesome.  There are secrets? I guess this was something that every drunk college frat boy and everyone on “Girls Gone Wild” are only privy to.  And to answer your next question, yes, you can even have a threesome with your wife or girlfriend involved!  I know it’s tempting, in fact, I feel bad for even blogging this because one of our foreign readers is going to actually think I am suggesting they really purchase this.

Chinese follower, Google translate this please:  I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.  DO NOT PURCHASE THIS PRODUCT.

Product review:  “Omg!  This is amazing how  well this works!  I didn’t even have to use  chloroform, roofies, ropes, or prostitutes either!  $27 only?  I’d pay 27 million for this type of information!”

how to have a threesome

 

 

Threesome Memoirs – Edith the Cat Lover

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

cat loverWith every person that called I quickly learned that I would have a cast of wonderful characters for my blogs.  I wasn’t trying to be insincere or judgmental, because my main goal was to find someone I really did click with.  Unfortunately, to find that person you click with you have to shuffle through a lot of people that you have absolutely nothing in common with.

Enter Edith the Cat Lover.  I met Edith the Cat Lover through a dating website and after a quick email we exhanged numbers to chat.  I call her Edith because after seeing her picture, I felt like she resembled Edith Bunker, Archie Bunker’s wife from “All in the Family.”  I call her Cat Lover because I’d say she absolutely loved cats.

Edith the Cat Lover was a middle-aged lady who seemed to be all about her schedule.   This was a good thing, because dealing with the young and flakey can be a bit annoying.  Judging by the way she described her schedule, she made it a point to let me know she would be available to hook up on weekends.  It couldn’t get any more convenient than that. She was very eager to talk, so I figured she would be more keen to trying to arrange a meet-up versus someone who thrived off spontaneity (aka Ms. Flakey). I’m not a shallow person, meaning even her looks weren’t like someone young and a bit more spontaneous, I didn’t want to judge her before based solely on what she looked like.  I’m more attracted to personalities.  In fact, I am only attracted to personalities, which at times, makes Ryan a bit uneasy.  After sending her a quick text message asking if I can call and verify her voice, she acknowledged I could call her.

Me: Hi there! Is this Edith?
Edith the Cat Lover: Yes, hi!  How are you?
Me: I’m doing well. It sounds like you’re in a car. Are you driving?
Edith the Cat Lover: Yes, I am. I drive a lot, mostly on weekdays, due to my job.  So weekends are pretty much open for me.

She has me on speakerphone, so she sounds like she’s yelling at me. I already feel uneasy.

Me: Well, thanks for taking my call.  (Satisfied) You’re definitely a woman.
Edith the Cat Lover: No problem!  Trust me, I totally get why you need to verify.  You can never tell who you end up talking to.
Me: Yea, I just want to know who I am  really talking to.  For some reason, a lot of responses I get seem to be from men.
Edith the Cat Lover: Oh, honey, I know…believe me. I’ve had enough of men.  They will do anything for pussy.

This made me a bit uncomfortable, so I nodded but I didn’t realize she couldn’t see me nod while on the phone.

Me: …
Edith the Cat Lover: I actually started hooking up with women a few years ago. I got soooo tired of my husband in bed so I decided to try women. I have to say that was probably THE best decision of my life.
Me: Really?
Edith the Cat Lover: Absolutely. I found that women can touch me in a way that he never can.
Me: I’ve heard women DO have a special touch.

I imagined all the lesbian porn I’d ever seen where the two women moved in slow motion, caressing each other, kissing for a few minutes, before slowly taking off their clothes.

Edith the Cat Lover: I just love the way they feel – their breasts, their fingers, their skin. I love everything about women. They just drive me wild.  And sweetie,  men can’t do what women do.
Me: Yea,that’s something I can’t wait to experience.

I giggle, trying to make light of the conversation.


Edith the Cat Lover: And I’d like to be the one to show you…!
Me: Tell me this, what exactly are you looking for?  What do you want?
Edith the Cat Lover:  I need a woman, who knows how to touch me.  It’s to the point  where my husband disgusts me.  I mean I love him, I just don’t want him to touch me you know?

She laughs, I giggle back but at this point I realize me and her are not from the same planet.  
 
Edith the Cat Lover: Like seriously, what type of lover sucks on your  titties like a newborn baby?  Men have no idea.  No sexual satisfaction at all.  Excuse me, just because you put your lips on my nipples and try to suck the dried milk out of me doesn’t mean I like it.  You know?
Me: Ouch!
Edith the Cat Lover: I mean, it’s true!
 
We pause for a bit as I really don’t have much to add to the conversation. 
 
Edith the Cat Lover:  Also, why do men grunt when they are having sex with you, blowing their coffee and old cigar smoke breath in your face. Then when they orgasm they flop down on your body like slugs.
Me: Dang.
Edith the Cat Lover: Yea, that’s something you never get with a woman.
 
I try to change the subject.
 
Me: What does your husband think about you hooking up with other women?
Edith the Cat Lover: Let’s not worry about husbands, my guy couldn’t make me orgasm if his life depended on it.
Me: Uhh, okay, wow.
Edith the Cat Lover: Seriously.  And on the weekends, he is usually away for work anyway.
Me: Ok.
Edith the Cat Lover: If you wanted, we could meet this weekend even.  I am okay with meeting at a hotel or maybe a public place?  The last girl I met was in a parking lot!  She fisted the hell out of me.  I felt it for weeks.
Me: Hmm, I am not sure about that.  I definitely am not meeting without my husband.  Did you see my ad?
Edith the Cat Lover: Yea, I saw your ad.  It’s okay if he wants to sit in the front seat, me and you can sit in the back.  Okay?
 
I laugh, hoping that was a joke.
 
Edith the Cat Lover: So you have never been with a woman?  No kissing?  No touching?  Nothing?  Oh, I really love to break girls in.
Me: Nope, I haven’t.
Edith the Cat Lover:  Does your husband really have to be around?  I find it very uncomfortable for a first timer to have to be there with her husband.  For a first time, he should just throw you in a room and let a woman do what she wants to do with you.  That is an experience you will never forget.
Me: I doubt he’d ever just throw me in a room.  That’s really not what we are into at all.
Edith the Cat Lover: Well, just let him know I will take care of you.  I’m good at eating pussy.  Probably because my husbands dick is the size of a small clit.
 
She laughed, but it almost sounded like a snort.  I laugh uncomfortably.


Me: Well, so, I guess doing our nails together or anything like that is out of the question?
Edith the Cat Lover: Girl, hell no, I’m going to nail you to the headboard and stick my face inside your baby hole!
Me: Huh?
Edith the Cat Lover:  That’s a joke girl.  I’m just a bit worked up thinking of you being a first timer and all. 

All the sudden I got what it feels like to be a man in prison for the first time.  FRESH FISH, FRESH FISH!
 

Edith the Cat Lover: I’d like to squat down real fast and suck air up my vagina, then pull your face into my crotch and blow you a pussy kiss!
Me: Um, hmmm.   I’m not so sure about that.
Edith the Cat Lover: Don’t worry, we can go at your pace.  No pressure here sweetie, I just want to be open and honest with you.
Me: Listen, I appreciate the honesty but I do have to go.  I’ve verified you as real so go ahead and text me if you have any questions. 

After I hung up with her, I felt like my ears had been molested and that I needed a rape kit for my ear drums.  Suffice it to say, Edith the Cat Lover is the reason why I decided there is a huge difference between what I want and what other women want.  I am not a man hating lesbian that wants to prove to the world that women do it better, I just want to enjoy a woman’s soft touch.  In a perfect world, I’d love to enjoy a woman’s soft touch with my husband’s perfect touch, together.  In my world, which is far from perfect, I won’t make it less perfect accepting anything less.   How can I ever enjoy being with someone who talked so much shit about her husband? I mean, according to her, her husband’s penis was the size of a corn kernel.  If she was that judgmental about the man she supposedly loved, what would she say about me?

And so the search continues…