The Great Hand Job Heist

The Great Hand Job Heist

In searching Google with hand jobs on my mind, I wanted reaffirmation that I wasn’t alone in loving a great massage with a happy ending.  I googled, “Why do hand jobs feel so good?”  Don’t ask me why, but I did.  To my surprise, I found out that most people do not agree.  Not only that, the search results instead pulled off a great heist. Rather than me finding out why hand jobs feel so good, I found out why they feel so bad!  Hence the title:  The Great Hand Job Heist.  

A poll taken by Cosmopolitan shows 18 different opinions about how men feel about hand jobs.  The results were shocking at first, but once age is taken into account, it all makes sense.  It’s safe to assume that most of them have never felt a real hand job / massage.  It’s also safe to assume a few of them have never been in relationship long enough that anything except actual vaginal sex satisfies them. 

At least, that’s my take.   As a couple that has started our 3rd decade of marriage, hand jobs have been the savior.  


If it wasn’t for hand jobs, my vagina, ass, and even mouth would literally be shredded beef.   A girl needs this option and should learn how to do it so good that her man can’t help but to request it.  Trust me.  From the talking, to the finish, you can make a hand job the top of his list.    – Nessa


The Cosmopolitan Opinions:

1. “It’s like eating a fast-food hamburger. You can grill one at home and it tastes amazing. Or you can get in your car, drive 15 minutes, wait in a drive-through line, and get a way worse hamburger. Like, it tastes awful and you know you could’ve done a better job yourself.” —Jeff, 24
 
2. “Like a vagina, but worse.” —Eric, 25
 
3. “There’s no novelty to it. I can reach my own penis with my hand no problem, but I can’t suck my own dick … so I think blow jobs would always be more desirable. Maybe that would be different if men had stubby arms.” —Shaun, 25
 
4. “LOL.” —Josh, 25
 
5. “You know that saying ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all’? Hand jobs are the sex equivalent of that.” —Zack, 24
 
 
6. “It feels like you’re touching yourself but your hand fell asleep and so you’re fumbling with your penis awkwardly.” —Kyle, 23
 
7. “Once in college, I got one that actively hurt. And my penis was all red and swollen the next day, and I went to Student Care, and they told me it was friction burn. So it feels like friction burn on your dick.” —Ken, 29
 
8. “A hand job feels like jerking off but it’s better because it’s not your hand.” —Jose, 30
 
9. “I would never expect a girl to excel at it, because that’s weird and would probably make me wonder why and how they’re so good at it, but they’re usually painfully bad.” —Pete, 25

When I first copied these responses, I actually laughed at a few of them.  Not because they were wrong, but because they were funny.  I also thought that I was going to add responses to each opinion, but chose not to because the flow of negativity was too good. It makes much more sense to just let it all out. What I do notice though, is that the older the person is, the less harsh they seem towards the idea of hand jobs.  

For example:

10. “I don’t think this is easy to answer unless we establish if there’s some kind of lubrication or not. A lubeless hand job? It’s almost guaranteed to be awful. Either the grip is too hard, or too loose, or the rhythm is off, or some kind of combination thereof. The stars have to align perfectly for a lubeless hand job to work. A lubed-up hand job can basically feel like a blow job, so … much, much better.” —Kevin, 28

Number 10 is pretty accurate.  For me, when I think of hand job, it wouldn’t cross my mind that some hand jobs are done without lube.  Much like it wouldn’t cross my mind if someone asked about anal sex, it would be without lube.  In my opinion, the two go hand and hand (pun). You wouldn’t give someone a serious hand job without lube of some sort.  Saliva, coconut oil, something.

Can you imagine Cosmopolitan making a poll about anal sex (assuming no lube is being used):

1. Anal is like the orphan child of sex.  It’s everything the vagina isn’t.  It really burns and the one time I tried it I ended up in the ER the next day because of wounds to my penis.

2. If you could imagine a vagina in a desert with sand for miles upon miles.  That would be a woman’s anus.  Now imagine sticking your penis inside of those sand dunes and enjoying  yourself. 

3. I could shove my penis into sandpaper and get a better sensation.  It’s like the vagina except extremely painful.

4.  We both ended up in the hospital that night.  Not good.

5. Are we talking about lubeless anal, or anal with lube?  

That’s pretty much how this entire article goes.  Although I do not want to attack Cosmopolitan, the article does shows the miseducation of those asking and answering the question.  It should have been clarified, in our opinion.  Because to ask about hand jobs without lube, is equivalent to asking about anal without lube.  Or even having sex with a vagina when the girl isn’t turned on or lubricated properly.  And this is the number 1 search result when asking “How do hand jobs feel?”  

The Great Hand Job Heist.  For entertainment purposes, let’s continue.

11. “I dunno. It’s just … I have hands. I can do that.” —Jared, 22

12. “I don’t remember the first time I ever masturbated, but I imagine every hand job is pretty much on par with that experience. Except I don’t freak out when I come.” —Ryan, 25
 
13. “I was never a fan of the ‘old-fashioned’ until recently. It’s usually slow and awkward and doesn’t feel all that wonderful. But it feels like ecstasy when done correctly. A complete detachment from my thoughts and concentrating on the physical senses that overcome my body and mind.” —Matt, 28
 
14. “Hand jobs? I don’t know. I’m not 14.” —Keith, 25

Number 14 is interesting…because he is right.  A hand job may be something you enjoy at 14, then quit enjoying in your 20s.  For the straight man, the vagina takes over as the most important thing on earth.  Oral sex is always a close second.  Anal is attempted a few times, but you both agree that’s on special occasions.  However, in your late 30s and 40s, the full experience becomes more important. The vagina is no longer the holy grail, but just one of the things that make women the most amazing creatures on earth.   

15. “It’s like having surf and turf on the menu and then you order the chicken fingers.” —Vince, 28
 
16.  “I have to be real here … I was a late bloomer, so I think I skipped the whole period where everyone was getting hand jobs. By the time I had any luck with the ladies, you were probably just having sex. But I got a hand job once and … I never had any interest in getting another. It wasn’t bad, it was just OK. I think that says it all. —Colin, 24
 
17. “OK, I know people probably shit all over hand jobs, but if someone knows how to do it, they can be really good. You have to use lotion, though, and unlike a blow job, she can suck on your nipples at the same time. Every guy should try that once. ” —Evan, 28
 
18. “Hand jobs are a consolation prize. I have never had a hand job that didn’t feel like, ‘Oh, I’m not in the mood for intercourse, but here, take this. Thanks for playing.’ I don’t think hand jobs are bad, I just think it’s tough to enjoy them when you know things could’ve gone a whole lot better.” —Jeff, 26

These last responses really aren’t that bad.  For the most part, the older the person answering, the more they understand it really is about how well the hand job is being done.  You can’t ask a 22 year old how a hand job feels.  He has had so little experience in his life, so little vagina in his life, that anything other than a vagina or mouth would be a let down.  However, you ask a man that has had his share of vagina, especially those of us in relationships where sex isn’t rationed, a hand job is just as good as anything a woman can offer.   Especially when she knows what she is doing.

What A Hand Job Should Feel Like

For us, we have been intimate twice a day, for the last 7 years.   Probably longer, but clearly our article written in 2013 shows how long we have been practicing The Circle. Back then it helped our relationship grow to another level, and continues to help us bond each day.  It’s the type of connection that keeps us as one unit, rather than separate people that use each other for their own pleasure.  True soulmates, if you believe in that.  However, it has also given us reason to find other ways to be intimate besides sticking my penis inside of her vagina and digging for gold.  


You can totally get into his head while stroking him.  Unlike sex, oral sex, or kissing (making out), you can actually talk in detail. Your words and thoughts can take over his experience.  From scenarios that may never happen, to outrageous fantasies that break all your boundaries, to just telling him how much you want to taste his cum.  Or how much you love holding his dick.  There are times I will go into detail about how beautiful the colors of his dick are, how perfect his swollen head looks, to talking about every turn and curve his veins make in his shaft and how much I love looking at them.  This is the type of talk that a woman just can’t do while she is being fucked or sucking his dick. – Nessa


The things we can’t do properly during sex, kissing, and oral:

Talking.  In fact, a lot of times during oral talking is the last thing we want to hear.  “Just be quiet and let me just hear that beautiful slurping sound.”  I know if I try to talk while going down on my wife, she will reach down and pull my head more into her vagina. This is her way of saying, “Please shut the fuck up” as nicely as possible.

There is an unspoken (pun) 6 word rule.   During sex or oral.

“I love you so fucking much.”

“Please cum in me.”

“Your dick is so fucking big.”

“Fuck it hurts so bad.”

“Your pussy is so fucking tight.”

“It’s so fucking wet.”

“Where do you want my cum?”

“Who’s your daddy?”

“Look at me while you suck.”

“Suck on my lips.”

“Fuck me with your tongue.”

And the list goes on and on.  Although dirty talk is fun, you are a bit limited because of what you are doing.  Whether it be sucking, fucking, or kissing.  You may dirty talk between transitions, but for the most part your actions are much louder than words.  And there is nothing wrong with that.

What you can do the entire time during a hand job:

Talking.

 A hand job is more than just 6 words.  A good hand job can be filled with entire stories of various adventures you both can come up with.  Not only can you talk, because you are relaxed and totally caught in the moment, but the person giving you the hand job can talk as well.  Whether about how much she loves your dick, how it feels, how much she can’t wait to see you cum, or sexy stories about the things you have done, may do, or may never do.  No real rules when it comes to fantasies. 

Some of the comparisons about hand jobs being another form of masturbation is correct.  However, why the hell is masturbation a bad thing?   Masturbation can be amazing, if you know what you are doing.  Edging, dirty thoughts, and controlling how long you release your oxytocin.  A lot of times men will masturbate nearly twice as long as they have actual intercourse.  They edge themselves to make sure they have a huge release.  When done right, masturbation is amazing.  In fact, it has been talked about by various women that their men will leave them asleep (or turn down sex) and later get caught masturbating. This is extremely common.  Why?  Because you can use your mind, your fantasies, and even think about all the skeletons in your closet while watching a porn video.

Now imagine having a person that you can open up with and experience  your deepest darkest thoughts and fantasies together.

Baggy Sweats and No Panties

Baggy Sweats and No Panties

I asked my husband to order me a few new dresses that fit me a bit better.  I lost a lot of weight and have a few baby doll dresses I really enjoy.  I  wear these dresses each day after work, while cooking, or just doing around the house things. He has always been complimentary of the designs I had so I wanted the exact same ones, except in a few sizes smaller.  During my conversation with him, he mentioned that he wishes I only wore baby doll dresses when we were out in public. 

For the record, this is the exact opposite of what he told me a few years ago! 

At one point he suggested I wear cute baby doll dresses around the house, casually.  But I guess after a few years, these dresses automatically become something too casual.  Like his desire to see a baby doll dress was gone and he wanted to work on getting that back.

Crazy guy. But it doesn’t matter, because it isn’t a battle I want to fight.  I will wear whatever makes him happy, because that’s what we ladies do…make our men happy.

He asked me what I thought about wearing baggy sweats with no panties around the house.  Maybe with a tank top and no bra.  At first I was like, how about no way!   Talk about the most unsexy thing (nevermind, that link changed my mind lol) I could ever think of!  What the hell is going through my husband’s mind.

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My Man, My Husband, My Daddy

i love my daddyMy Man, My Husband, My Daddy

I my Daddy.  Originally I wrote a quick description about why I call my husband Daddy in a selfie I took titled, “Naughty Selfies – For my Daddy“.  For us, the roleplay has became who we are as a couple.  

I have noticed the term Daddy used in various ways.  Some couples use it as a form BDSM roleplay, which involves being her man’s sex slave.  For instance, I have seen photos of a woman being peed on captioned, “Daddy’s little slut doing what she was made for, being Daddy’s toilet.”   Although we are okay with waterplay and have even done photoshoots of golden showers and blogged about sex cocktails, we didn’t do it in the name of Daddy-dom.  It isn’t why I call my husband Daddy, nor do I see it as a dominant sexual thing.   

For me, it’s a term of endearment.  It makes me feel loved and special.  Although I am submissive, I enjoy the idea of him taking care of me, being his little girl, and giving me something I never received while I was growing up: a man’s love and attention.  And I have no issues with him being a dominant figure, as I am passive by nature anyway.

My Daddy Gets Whatever My Daddy Wants.

My Daddy gets whatever my Daddy wants.  And since obviously we do have sex, and we do embrace our roles, it is a part of our sex life.  So yes I do suck my Daddy’s dick and do various naughty things that a little girl has to do to keep her Daddy happy. A big part of my role is to be a good little girl so I get the affection and attention I love.  However, I am not Daddy’s footstool, toilet, or spit cup.  Doing that in the name of Daddy-dom doesn’t make me feel good nor how I want to view my Daddy.  To be honest, I’d consider that abusive and not something I see a Daddy doing to his little girl.  Even though I’d do whatever he wanted, my Daddy wouldn’t  abuse me or belittle me for his pleasure.   This is our balance.

With all that said, as his good little girl, I was proud of myself for vomiting on his dick on purpose while giving him a blow job.  And he loved it.  And I love going to the extreme for him, respectfully.

After vomiting, I ignored the mess in his lap and kept sucking.  When he was about to cum, I shoved his dick all the way down my throat, nose and face in my own vomit, and held myself there until I felt his cum pipe quit twitching.  I had to ignore every instinct I had, from being grossed out, to show him how dedicated I am to his pleasure. Because it’s what I wanted to do for my Daddy.  And in the shower afterwards, I talked in my little girl voice, proud,  “Did I do good Daddy?”   

And he played his role perfect.  Kissed my forehead, told me I have to be careful when I suck his dick, and reassured me that all little girls are supposed to have trouble sucking big dicks. 

I melted.  Because it’s true.

Here is a bit of what I wrote on a previous blog about my Daddy:

Why do I call my husband my daddy?  Because he is my daddy.  He is the father of my kids, so naturally I refer to him as dad or daddy, even when talking to my children, because it’s how they know him. This is a point that is never really brought up in articles about women that call their husband’s daddy.  Well, when I ask my daughter to tell her father dinner is done, I say, “Tell daddy his dinner is ready.” I naturally refer to him as daddy around the house even when I am not talking directly to him.  But that isn’t the only reason.  My father was abusive.  I never really had a father figure that made me feel like his little princess, or gave me the attention I had read about in stories or seen in movies.   So what my daddy gives me has nothing to do with my biological father.  At all.  It’s more lack thereof.

My daddy protects me, takes care of me, never abuses me, and makes me feel like his little girl.  I truly believe every girl loves this type of attention.  And a husband’s love can end, a boyfriend’s love can end, but a father’s love?  A father forgives his little girl if she makes mistakes.  A father is there forever, beyond being married.  He has told me that if I cheated, he wouldn’t leave his little girl, because daddy’s don’t abandon their little girls just because they fuck up.  Mind you, I would never cheat.  But the thought makes me understand the difference between my daddy’s love, and a husband’s love.  A husband’s love has it’s limits.  My daddy’s love is limitless.  And it’s true, a daddy doesn’t turn his back on his little girls. And that’s our relationship.  No matter how bad my day, I want to come home and be his little girl.  Be taken care of.  I’m naturally submissive so I have no issues with him being in charge and even threatening to spank me if I sass off.  I love it. 

Our Amateur Sex Film Career in a Nut Shell – The Webcam Phase

Our Amateur Sex Film Career in a Nut Shell – The Webcam Phase

Prior to blogging, we were just a horny amateur couple on webcam having sex.  Back in our days there weren’t many options, but with sites like Firecams, it wouldn’t be that hard to get your genitals (foot) into the door.   It started off as a fun way to be kinky and orgasm with people watching.  And as soon as we came, quickly shutting off our webcam and vanishing into the night!  It wasn’t about money, much like our blog isn’t about money.  It was more about having an outlet to do something sexy and be the exhibitionists we were, legally.

Eventually, it did lead to us becoming professionals.  I say that semi smiling because as most of us know, when you do things for free, you are considered an amateur.  When you start making money, technically you are a professional.  So as professional webcam models, we started putting on private shows and doing whatever we were asked until their money ran out, or our bodies ran out.  Either way we became sex slaves to the sound of coins dropping in the chat.  Although this was lucrative and fun, it also can be taxing on your spirit.  You have to have thick skin.  Especially as a couple.  Although most of the experiences were positive, it’s that one rude comment that sticks with you after a show.  Eventually it just builds up.  After a while, we decided to hang up the old webcam and retire.   Our professional career didn’t last long, but for those that did catch us on late at night doing whatever it was they asked, I assumed they enjoyed themselves.   We did.

Moving on from Amateur Webcams

We then moved on to sex blogging and uploading videos of the things we blogged about.  As a lot of our long time readers know, we started our blog with a huge archive of our amateur sex videos we had uploaded. Some of our videos had millions of views, but nonetheless, we gradually we removed them.  Over time our bodies changed, jobs changed, and blog changed.   Originally it was all about step by step instructionals on how to deepthroat.   We figured it only made since to verify with videos.   But later our blog got more in depth with our lives, relationship, questions and answers, and less about teaching women to deepthroat or sniff cum like it’s a drug.

Sorry for all those that now visit our amateur webpage with promises of videos going along with our blogs only to be met with [DELETED].   The power of never being famous and making mediocre quality videos is that when they disappear, no one notices!  They used to tell us, “Don’t upload your sex videos because it’s online forever!”   In this day and age, don’t flatter yourself.  Your porn isn’t online forever if you aren’t deepthroating a dildo the size of your entire arm.  Not these days.  No one cares, and we aren’t as unique as we’d like to believe. There is just too much amateur porn floating around for anyone to care about yours.  Rather than fapping, saving it to the hard drive, and revisiting it later, it’s more about simply hitting the “favorite” button for later.  You can now go to the amateur videos on all the various porn websites, masturbate to the first 10 videos before you finally cum, and tomorrow there will be 10 more new ones waiting for you on the front page.  No one cares.  And in the past, people caring too much about what you do in your sex life was the biggest thing that kept amateur couples all over the world from uploading their random videos and sharing their sex sessions with the rest of us.

In hindsight, being an amateur webcam couple was a fun experience.  But we were doing that type of thing when it had so much negative stigma to it.  The idea that bad decisions haunt you forever was constantly in the back of our minds. It isn’t until you decide that sex isn’t bad or something you should be ashamed of that the stigma disappears.  Especially as a couple that is married or in a very committed relationship.  As we get older it has now became more of an issue of, “Dang, where is that old video where we looked so damn hot!  Why didn’t anyone save it!”  More and more webcam models and social media kinksters are asking their followers for old photos of themselves!  Not only did these things not haunt us, we regret not saving them ourselves.  I have found videos of us uploaded to random sites (not by us) years ago and redownloaded them to archive!  Not only did it not haunt us, it archived it for us so we get to keep our memory.


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Dirty Talk: Exploring Bisexuality With My Childhood Best Friend

Dirty Talk: Exploring Bisexuality With My Childhood Best Friend

The Dirty Talk Intro & Disclaimer:  Everything in the story below is random and created on the spot while talking dirty to my husband.  No filters, no rules, no boundaries, just a story and situation created to help turn us both on.  All dirty talk is pure fantasy.   In this story I will talk  about exploring my bisexuality with my childhood best friend.

During these talks, I am usually massaging my husband with coconut oil.  Much like a handjob but we talk back and forth and go over various sexual ideas.  The fun part is, I can almost get inside his head and control his fantasies, dirty thoughts, and talk him into an orgasm in the exact moment my story hits it’s climax.  Every story is to the best of my memory, as I do not know remember all the exact details to our conversations.

After I get him to orgasm and my juices are flowing, we shut up and I get my turn!  I won’t write about the follow up, as we don’t talk while I cum.  Through sex, oral, or a wand, I will quickly get my own release…if the story was real good.

Exploring Bisexuality With My Childhood Best Friend

I was a bit hesitant with this story as some things are hard for me to open up to.  My husband could sense that this fantasy wasn’t something I was more reserved about, simply because I had never done anything with my childhood friends.  I do get why it’s kinky, but I also get a bit jealous because I am sharing intimate details about my idea of their bodies.   If that makes sense.


Do you want me to talk about having a sleep over with my friend?

Yea, what friend?

Stella.

How old are you?

I am 16.

How old is she?

17.

Are you going over to her house?

No, she is going to stay with me for the night.

What are you wearing?

I am wearing sweats and a loose tank top.  

Are you wearing bra?  

No.

Are you wearing panties?

Yes, a thong.

Stella comes over and knocks on the door.  

How does she look?

Pretty.  She always looks pretty.

What is she wearing?

Baggy sweats and a t-shirt.

Is she wearing a bra?

No, we never wear bras when we have sleepovers.

Can you see her nipples poking through her shirt?

Yes, her nipples are perky and I can see the outline of them through her shirt.

How big are her breasts?

Me and her probably have the same size breasts.

Does she smell good?

She smells amazing.  She always smells good and looks pretty.  Sometimes she wears too much make up but today she doesn’t have very much on. 

We rented a scary movie and decided to watch it up in my bedroom.  We are both sitting on my bed side by side.

Do you and your friends sleep in the same bed when they sleep over?

Yes, me and my friends always sleep in the same bed during sleepovers.

So we are upstairs sitting with our backs against the pillows on the bed.  The movie is scary, so we are sitting kind of close.

Are your parents home?

My parents are gone for the night so it’s just us.  That’s why the movie is extra scary.  We do not have any adults around us.

I lean my head on her shoulder and she smells amazing.  Not sure why, but I slowly slide my head down her shoulder to her chest, and can feel her breasts rubbing on the side of my face.  

I wait to see if she makes a sound or pushes me away, but she doesn’t.  I reach up and wrap my hand around her stomach and up her ribs.  She leans her head back and closes her eyes.

Have you ever talked to her before about being bisexual or liking girls?

No, never.  We are both virgins and have never had any conversations about sex or our sexuality.

I slide my hand inside her shirt.  I move slow because I am still nervous she is going to stop me.  Neither of us have done this before.

She doesn’t stop me so I slide my hand further up and grab her breasts.  I can feel her nipples hard and her skin feels so soft.

Do you kiss her?

No, not yet.  I don’t want to kiss her.  I just want to feel her breasts.


I can feel my husband’s dick get hard and soft throughout our conversation.  Some things turn him on, but some things just peak his interest so he loses his erection.  I try my hardest to keep us focused on the sexy.


I want to see her breasts so I lift up her shirt and look at them for the first time.  They look amazing.  Young and perky.  They are about the same size as mine except her nipples are smaller.

About what size?

About the size of a half dollar.

I put them in my mouth.  I just want to suck on her breasts.  She puts her head back and moans.   She loves me sucking on her breasts.

I am a bit more curious and want to feel between her legs.  I start moving my hand down her stomach and reach inside her sweats.  She has on panties so I slide my hand under them as well.  She is so hairy.  She has a huge bush and has probably never shaved before.  It feels so amazing.  I slide my hand lower so I can feel the wetness between her legs.  

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