Like A Virgin, Touched For The Very First Time
We found an interesting take on the idea of losing your virginity being “over hyped” and not a big deal. Although this guide was written with the right idea in mind, the author seems to lose himself and accidentally makes virginity that much more of a big deal. I mean, he wrote a whole essay about it!
Disclaimer: It may seem like we are coming off toxic, but please know we are just being lighthearted and having fun with the article. Our comments are meant to add a bit of entertainment value to the original guide, because… why not?
Losing your virginity is a big deal only if you never had sex
We’re conditioned by society (and maybe religion too) to think of our first time having sex as this huge milestone, like a watershed moment in becoming adults, or something like that. There are countless movies about boys and girls having sex for the first time (more on that later).
In retrospect, your first time having sex is no big deal. It will just be the first time of many more. Ten years later, you’ll consider that moment just the same as the first day of school as a kid. While you might remember well your first math class (and it might still haunt you), your memories from your schooling days will be primarily made of all the other experiences you’ve had during those years.
Your first time will be ‘ok’ at best
Forget the movies: your first time is very unlikely to be anything like that. Sex is dirty, messy, stinky, and in general quite gross, to be honest. You might end up being all sweaty (try showering together at the end). It likely won’t be as finely romantic as in that Hollywood movie.
In my first time, I remember being so nervous and excited at the same time, that I actually had a partial black out, and at the time I felt like I was “on autopilot” and my memories are confused (yet I was fully sober).
Venice: Yea, it’s totally not a big deal guys. I mean, you will get confused, literally black out from all the endorphins like you are high and drunk, and then write about it for years to come. Not a big deal though. lol.
Ryan: And this is why men all over the world are excited, anxious, and can’t wait to lose their virginity. They want to black out too!! You can ride a roller coaster once and be so scared and excited that you black out. That’s a rush and a crazy experience. Now if you ride roller coasters so much it loses all it’s luster, then yes, it’s easy to look back and say, “Riding a roller coaster isn’t a big deal.” Nothing compares to the first time you rode a roller coaster, even if it was the old clunky wood one that didn’t do any loopty loops!
If you’re male-bodied, anxiety might get in the way of your performance. It’s totally fine, and it will get better the next times!
If you’re female-bodied, your first time might actually even hurt a bit! (If it hurts too much, however, it’s not good – read below).
Venice: Oh, that’s how it will feel for us ladies?
Regardless, during your first time you won’t really know what you’re doing (and if your partner is a virgin or has little experience too, it won’t help). You’ll be feeling awkward and insecure on how to proceed. Chances are you’ll enjoy it both, but at most it will just be ‘ok’.
‘Just ok’ is how I described it to my therapist after doing it. He nodded and said “yes that’s how it is really”. I was disappointed at the time: how could he dismiss such an important event? It took me years to finally understand why: because I’d have plenty of much better sex in the future, that will be way more important and pleasurable, with partners I developed much stronger connections with.
Ryan: It’s always good to let people know your ideas are backed up by professionals. Because a therapist agreed that the authors first time was “just okay,” therefore everyone should know that losing your virginity is “just okay.” The sex itself may just be “okay” if you have had sex 100s of times afterwards, but the memory is still special. Your child’s first step. Your first time playing a game. These things are all just “okay” after you have taken 1000s of steps or played a game 1000s of times. However, the first time matters. And what is more monumental in our life than sex? Unlike taking our first steps and playing a game for the first time, sex never gets old, making that first time even more amazing.
Your first time will likely be with the wrong man/woman
Venice: Great! LOL
Ryan: First roller coast I rode, I got down on one knee and proposed to it. LOL
Let’s face it: for most people, finally finding the “right one” to have sex with for the first time is a myth. Yes, there are those who married their first love, spent their whole life in a monogamous relationship and never looked back, happily. Those are the exception, not the norm.
Most of us in the Western world will have multiple sex partners during our lives. There’s nothing “wrong” or “bad” with this, and we get to build experiences, try new things, and getting to know ourselves better in the process.
Whatever you choose to do, whoever you choose to have sex with: these are your choices to make, and to own. You are allowed to do it for the first time as soon or as late as you feel like, and with whoever it feels right at that moment.
“Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about these things. What women like is to be a man’s last romance.”
— from “A Woman of No Importance” by Oscar Wilde
Sex isn’t just “penis-in-vagina”
Just because you’ve never had any experience with “penis-in-vagina” kind of sex, doesn’t mean you never “had sex”.
Ryan: It’s always interesting when someone makes the sexual terms (or lack thereof) mean what they want it to mean.
Venice: So virginity isn’t really a big deal but let me tell you something, you’ve lost your virginity even if you haven’t had a penis in your vagina?
Female-bodied individuals often consider “losing their virginity” the moment they break their hymens. This is a very narrow definition of virginity. A person who never had vaginal sex but had plenty of anal sex is hardly a “virgin”.
Likewise, oral sex is a kind of sex act in itself. Masturbating your partner is another kind of sex act. Even petting (or cuddling “hard”) can be considered a sex act.
Just because you haven’t been introduced to “penis-in-vagina” sex, doesn’t mean you’re new to sexuality and sexual acts. Own this fact and be aware of it.
Venice: Oh my, this just gets worse and worse. So your virginity isn’t a big deal but if you have had anal sex or oral sex, you are hardly a virgin? Own it? I mean, I guess. But why is so much weight being put on who is or isn’t a virgin. And why does this even matter? Your article almost makes the term virgin so much more important simply because you put so much weight on what makes you a virgin.
While in the act, take your time
Never skip “foreplay”, especially not the first time you try penetration.
Venice: Okay, I have to stop here. I guess I am just not getting this article. It’s a guide about how to have sex for the first time? “Losing your Virginity for Dummies”
Ryan: I have to admit something, I actually quoted this guide thinking it would be brilliant reading and something we could agree on most points. This has ended up to be a much different blog than I expected. At least it’s entertaining though!
Take your time. Practice oral sex on your partner (required for both partners!) and/or mutual masturbation. Get well aroused and comfortable with each other.
Ryan: So while these two virgins are nervous, anxious to show their nude bodies for the first time, intimidated because they inexperienced and unsure about themselves…. they need to practice oral sex on each other and masturbate mutually? You have couples married for 40 years that still aren’t even comfortable masturbating in front of each other, and you want two virgins to do it?
This is especially important for persons with vaginas, for whom sex could be painful if they’re not in the right mindset (read: too tense) and not lubricated enough. Some oral sex and/or fingering should solve this in most situation, without needing to add lubes (certain medical conditions aside, vaginas are excellent at self-lubricating).
Many authors will tell you that “foreplay is coreplay”, not a “lesser” act. “Foreplay” is a lot of fun; do it for as long as you need to: 15, 30, 60 minutes or more. It will make penetration much better and easier after, and less painful.
If it doesn’t work, try again another time
This is mostly a problem for female-bodied persons, who could experience too much pain while trying penetration for the first time. Male-bodied individuals can have some issues too, such as difficulty getting or maintaining an erection. Both things come from the same issues: anxiety, stress, tension.Certain things can help:
Communicate. Talk to your partner openly about how you feel, and if you need it, ask for reassurance. Also, ask your partner what they like and dislike, and what their limits are. Communication is key.
Try certain relaxing activities (like meditation) before your date, to help a relaxed state of mind.
Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. See the point above. If the problem is with your partner’s vagina not being lubricated enough, sometimes even leading your partner to an orgasm during foreplay can make them feel more relaxed and at ease, and can make penetration easier to try.
Get acquainted with your own and your partner’s bodies. Masturbate yourself (this applies to both male and female-bodied individuals) in your own comfort, to familiarize yourself with your own genitals and understand what feels good to you. Then, try mutual masturbation and/or oral sex with your partner, so you can get to know what they enjoy and understand their body too.
If it doesn’t look like it will work on a given day, don’t force it. Stop whatever you were doing, cuddle up, comfort each other, and try again another time. The last thing you’ll want is to have a bad or painful experience (physically or mentally). Understand that anxiety is a normal thing in these situations: don’t blame yourself nor your partner.
Don’t try to be like porn stars
Venice: ….but practice oral sex and mutually masturbate with each other prior to the first time you are ever going to have sex.
Porn sex is way different from real sex, in so many ways. It’s something made for the cameras (think of the act they perform and the positions they’re in), and their goal is to please the viewer, not themselves. It’s full of cut scenes and re-takes (a 30-min video could take 4 hours to record). It’s full of fake things, including fake orgasms, fake semen, etc. It’s also a purely physical act between two adults who have no intimate relationship whatsoever.
Real life sex rarely resembles what you see in porn videos, and even very experienced people having sex are rarely doing it like porn stars. I have a theory that even porn stars don’t … fuck like porn stars in real life, with their partners. On your first time, you’re definitely not going to be performing like James Deen and Sasha Grey banging the shit out of each other. That’s just fine.
Your first time will be particularly awkward, you’ll be nervous, and you might not really know what you’re doing. If your partner is more experienced, let them help you and guide you. If you’re both inexperienced, learn together and experiment, and take your time.
You and/or your partner might not orgasm on your first time, and that’s fine too. Orgasms are not easy, especially for female-bodied individuals, and can take lots of time and practice.
At the end, you’ll still enjoy it, and as per above it can be ‘ok’.
Lastly, enjoy yourself
Sex is fun for everyone, when done between consenting adults in a respectful way (and you should not engage in any other kind of sex). Your first time will be the first of many. Enjoy it, and know that like most other things in life, it gets better as you get more experienced. Sex can get you closer with your partner and more intimate. You’ll also get to know other parts of yourself and your personality. And you’ll be enjoying yourselves a lot in the process.
Ryan: I agree with the last part of this. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy life. Enjoy the experience. Regardless what people want you to believe, your virginity is whatever you want it to be. If you were molested, drunk, or something has happened in your life, you may consider your virginity the first time you had sober sex with someone you absolutely love. No one can tell you how you lost your virginity, or what your virginity is. And if you are inexperienced, nothing we can type will make things more easier than experience.
Venice: I believe this guide was written to try and relieve certain fears of sex and your first sexual experience. It was written with good intentions; however, it’s equivalent to writing a guide on how to defuse a live bomb for the first time. “Just make sure you cut the right wire, make no mistakes, have oral sex with each wire and get to know your wires well before cutting it. It’s not a big deal.” Hopefully you picked up some pointers and got a few laughs from reading the guide, plus our opinions. Either way, have fun with your first sexual experience!