Q&A: How can I get my boyfriend to understand I can’t do anal because it hurts

I can’t do anal because it hurts.

I’m all for being open minded and doing things to please my partner but I just cannot tolerate anal. It hurts… BADLY. There was one occasion where I stuck it out and he managed to get about halfway in and thrust maybe a handful of times before I was crying and he stopped, that’s the farthest we’ve ever gone (and I bled for two days afterward). Even small toys hurt back there, I can’t do it.

I’ve told him I feel bad that I can’t please him that way. I’ve told him how much it hurts. He’s felt my body trembling from pain, he’s seen me cry from it, he knows I’ve had so many bad reactions that the subject of anal gives me anxiety. But he still tries, a month or two go by and he’s trying to penetrate me back there with a finger, his dick or a toy. I ask him to stop and he tells me to let him try, he tells me it’ll be different, he’s even given me guilt trips by asking things like “can’t you try one more time for me?”

How do I make it clear that I’m done trying? I can’t take it. Maybe that makes me a terrible girlfriend or sex partner but I can’t do it, it hurts too much.

Venice’s response to anal hurts
If you bled for two days after trying anal with a toy, that sounds pretty bad. But believe it or not, it’s not that uncommon (but also not good), and judging from experience, it may have been caused by a several things. Little / Not enough lubrication – sometimes when the sphincter is lubricated, but not inside beyond it or around it, anything that is inserted (penis or toy) can get pulled in and cause tears.  “Tensing up” – if you and your body/mind (including ass muscles) are not receptive to anal, you will clench and make penetration painful. Communication – as long as you’ve tried, and you said you did, that is a positive step. But making you feel bad will make you hate anal even more.  Talk about it beforehand; if he tells you that he wants to try anal moments before sex, then you’ve both failed. The only way you can make anal sex pleasing to you is if you are willing and ready to do it. And of course, there has to be some prep on his part. He should lick your ass, tongue-fuck it, and suck your rim.  All those things will show you that your ass is an area for pleasure, not pain. Anal sex hurts at first. When I have anal sex, my orgasms are better – they’re more sustained because my clit doesn’t get sensitive. I can have multiple orgasms, and they’re brought upon faster because the pressure and more intense feeling of this hidden erogenous zone. 

Ryan’s response to anal hurts
Short answer:  If he doesn’t understand that anal hurts, clone his dick with a clone-a-willy and fuck him with his own penis until he bleeds.  See how he likes that.  I hated it and learned to go slow and easy the hard way!  Literally.  If he is pressuring you to try something during actual sex, he may not be the type of man you want to invest more of your time with.  A good boyfriend will respect your wishes.  The worst time to communicate about sex is during actual sex.  Sit him down and talk to him about your feelings when neither of you are horny or caught up in the moment.  Specifically him.  Most importantly, if you are bleeding during anal sex, he isn’t doing it right to begin with.  You should never be bleeding during anal sex, ever.  He shouldn’t be asking you to do anything that he has no idea how to do to begin with.  

Compromise answer:  Maybe an answer most people disagree with, but relationships are about communication and compromise.  Set a date, maybe his birthday, that you will be open to try new things with him, as long as he lubricates properly, goes slow, and stops when you ask him to stop. Trying something once a year wouldn’t be a bad idea for all couples.  Maybe something you didn’t enjoy last year, will be much better this year, especially because it is planned out properly. Our bodies change.  Our tolerance changes.  And even our tastes change.  Maybe having a date that you can mentally prepare for will help you.  Spontaneous anal, especially when it hurts your feelings he asks you after you have expressed to him you don’t want it, will never be a pleasant experience.  Ever.  I have no doubt in my mind that the one thing that makes anal pleasant, above all, is having a positive attitude about what is happening, what you are giving him, and embracing the sensations. That goes for any sexual activity.  I am pretty sure all of us naturally do not like the sensation of something going up our anus.  But because of our attitude, our willingness to experience various sensations our partner can give us, we turn that weird sensation into something positive.   And if we know it won’t happen for another whole year, it’s easy to be enthusiastic and enjoy yourself.  Worrying that if you like it or try to enjoy yourself, he may want anal much more and you will have to bite the sheets every night, seems to be a big fear with women.  So they shut down.

Long answer:  Would you prefer he just never asked again?  I don’t agree with the idea of “Never ask me again because my answer will never change.”  That isn’t how communication works.  I am guilty of the same thing your boyfriend does, but not exactly.   I wouldn’t put pressure on Venice during sex.  However, I would talk or text Venice during the day and ask her if we could try anal that night.  When we first met, she was open to anal and told me I could have any hole I wanted on her body, whenever I wanted.  It’s so easy to be open to everything, when you are so in love and everything is perfect.  As the endorphins and high from our new love wore off, she made it very clear she did not enjoy anal anymore.  It hurt.  I can still remember the car ride where she laid it out in plain English for me, “I will never enjoy anal, no matter what.  It’s the one thing in this world I will never like doing. If you want to do it, do it, but just know it will never feel good to me.”   I believe this is when we made a compromise that it would be something we try on my birthday only.  However, on my birthday I would feel so guilty because I knew she hated it, I would ask her to play with her massage wand on her clit while I slowly work my penis inside her.  Sometimes I would just stick my head in only while she played with herself, worried putting myself all the way in her would be totally unpleasant for her.  In the end, because it was my birthday she would be open and positive, she would openly tell me she had the most intense orgasms she had ever felt. Saying that had risks.  Like maybe I would suggest we do it more than once a year.  She made sure to let me know, “The orgasms were good, but I still hate anal.”

This issue became more of a tug-of-war, rather than something she really hated.  She hated that I wanted something she expressed to me that she didn’t want.  She hated that I would still ask her to have anal sex with me when she told me she wasn’t into it.  She hated the idea that if she told me it felt good, I would want it more from her.  And although I do not have the answer to a woman changing her perception on anal, I do know that with time and life experiences, we change.  Anal sex is now a part of our normal sex life and Venice has all of her best orgasms during anal.  Sometimes she will use my dick in her ass just to feel the sensations she needs to have more intense orgasms, but once she cums, I stop because I had already came earlier or don’t want to ruin her moment.  She went from hating it with a passion, to needing it to get off and have more enjoyable orgasms.  Like I said, people change.  Keep an open mind and don’t get offended because he asks you to try something that you feel you already made clear to him you aren’t interested in.  Your answer isn’t a life long response he should respect and never mention again.  That’s not how healthy relationships and good communication work.

Misconceptions You Had About Sex When You Were Younger

Misconceptions you had about sex as a kid.

From the birds and bees, to that dang stork that would magically drop off your new brother 9 months after your dad came home drunk and him and your mother had a screaming contest in the locked bedroom!  As a young child hitting puberty, there isn’t anything more mysterious about sex, especially before we had the internet.  There were no quick answers and sex blogs.  

Shea Curry, actress and blogger at Shameless Mama
“When I was little, I thought that if I pumped my hands together 20 times a night my boobs would grow. I did this a solid two years in the hopes of becoming at least a B cup like my mom. To my disappointment, I’ve barely been an A cup my whole life. Sigh…” 

Venice:  I had no idea that breasts were made of fatty tissue and the size wasn’t something you could control.  I thought it was muscle and if I would exercise, they would grow.  I remember doing push ups and bench pressing the bar thinking I would get so much muscle I would give Dolly Parton a run for her money!  Boy was I wrong.

Ryan:  I didn’t know how to masturbate. I have already made a blog about prone masturbation.  I thought rubbing my body back and forth on a pillow was how everyone masturbated.  I didn’t know anything about using my hands, jacking off, or any other techniques.  I just laid on the floor prone and moved my hips until it tickled and I wet myself.  I remember doing this at such an early age that when it tickled (later I find out I was having an orgasm), nothing came out.  It wouldn’t be until I was an adult and with Venice, that I would jack off for the first time.  She taught me how to do it properly.  How weird is that?

Dan Perlman, comedian
“When I was a kid, my friend’s older brother told us ― that’s where 90 percent of misinformation comes, a friend’s older brother ― that sex was ‘kissing while you’re naked in the shower.’ I’m not sure where he got that from, or how he justified the shower as an essential part, but yeah, I switched from baths to showers after that so I’d be one step closer.” 

Ryan:  When I first had sex, I didn’t have any idea that you couldn’t use soap or shampoo as lube.   The good part is, I didn’t think the vagina needed lube, so I didn’t accidentally destroy Venice’s insides with my inexperience.  The bad part is, we did try to anal and I knew that I would need lube for that.  Venice ran up the wall screaming.   One, we were standing.  Two, we were using soap as lube.  Three, for two people totally inexperienced, there was no way I was getting my dick in her ass.  Not like that.  To think back, had I actually been able to penetrate, I don’t think there would have been anything worse than her ripped anus with soap being used as lube.  

Ryan:  Speaking of burning.  I once sprayed cologne on my balls because I wanted to make sure I smelled amazing.  Little did I know, the skin around my balls is so sensitive and anything like alcohol touching it would burn worse than anything I had ever felt in my life.  I jumped so fast into a cold bath.  I had no idea that my ball skin was totally different than the rest of my body.

Julie Krafchick, creator and producer of the “Date/able” podcast
“My parents told me that a stork delivered me, and I think I believed them well into middle school.” 

Ryan:  I didn’t know a woman had a “bottom” of her vagina.  For some reason I thought I would just be able to have sex and the walls would feel warm and tight.  The last thing I ever thought about was that a vagina is only so big and your penis can rub the bottom of her hole.  For months I would have sex with Venice and be in awe that a woman’s body had limits.  Not sure why I didn’t know this.

Venice:  I didn’t realize this until I had sex either.  You do not know the sensations until you feel a penis for the first time, but the pressure deep inside, the bladder and back walls being pushed, was the weirdest sensation for me.  It wasn’t like my fingers I had used at all.  Later in life, that weird bottom sensation is what makes me orgasm through penetration.  Not my g-spot, or my shallow lips, its that deep pressure.

Ebony Kenney, blogger at Magic, Sex and Coffee 
“I thought if I was in a hot tub the same time as a boy, I would get pregnant. Not having sex or anything like that. Just actually sitting. And on top of that, I just knew if there was a better ratio of girls to boys, it would decrease my odds of getting pregnant. I never got in a hot tub alone with a boy, because, you know — math.” 

Venice:  When I was younger I accidentally saw my older male cousin using the bathroom standing up from behind.  I didn’t know why he was standing up and didn’t know we had different body parts.  So the next time I went to the bathroom I stood up and peed all over myself.  For years I didn’t know how my cousin peed while standing.  Oh, he had a dang water hose connected to his hips!

David Drake, comedian
“There was a rumor going around middle school that yellow 5 (the food coloring in yellow Gatorade, Mountain Dew, etc.) shrank your penis. I was worried about that, so I never drank anything yellow. A large part of me still believes this today.” 

Ryan:  The myth of yellow 5.  I was so addicted to Mt. Dew I just didn’t care.  I was totally okay with accepting my fate as having a tiny penis, because I wasn’t giving up Mt. Dew.  I can confirm, this was definitely a myth.

Venice:  Speaking of random sex myths (New Kids on The Block going to ER swallowing pints of cum — which later turned to Lil Kim), I remember hearing Marilyn Manson cut out one of his ribs to be able to give himself oral sex.   I remember sitting there in shock like….

… so how many ribs would I need to get rid of to give myself oral sex?   Hah!!

Nathan Timmel, comedian and author of Hey Buddy… 
“When I was a kiddo, my parents would try and find an activity for me to do so they could have ‘alone time.’ Eventually, I figured out what they were doing behind the closed bedroom door, and over time, I noticed that no noise ever came from the bedroom. So I began to think sex was a silent event. Imagine my surprise when I was deflowered, and the woman I was with began expressing herself audibly.”

Ryan:  I thought that having sex was just getting on top of a girl and going up and down.  I didn’t realize you had to penetrate, move up inside a person, and do that until you ejaculated.  I thought you just “hump” up and down until you both said you had sex, and made mud pies together afterwards.

Venice:  I thought that a guy peeing was the same thing as his semen.  I didn’t know there was a difference and I was fully prepared for a guy to hump me, pee inside me, and get me pregnant.  Little did I know, Ryan and I would do this for fun years later.  Haven’t gotten pregnant from it yet though!

Kate Cartia, blogger at As Kate Would Have It
“Watching soap operas when I was home sick from school led me to believe that you 100 percent had to wear a silk nightgown while having sex. When I found out you could totally opt into being naked (or not, you do you), I. Was. Shaken.” 

Venice:  I didn’t know that I had a vaginal canal and a urethra.  I just literally thought everything came from the same place!

Ryan:   Me too!  I thought that a girl peed through the same hole that I had sex with.  I had no idea that the vagina was so complicated and it had a small hole (urethra) at the entrance of her vagina.  

Angela Spera, host of “This Is Why You’re Single” podcast
“I thought a bong was a penis pump until probably high school. Let me explain: When I was 9, I saw ‘Austin Powers,’ which, as you might remember, featured a penis pump. One day not long after seeing this classic bit of cinema, I was with my friends at recess when we stumbled upon a bong on the playground. In my warped child mind, it looked just like the penis pump from the movie! How did I think it worked? Well, the entry point should seem obvious, and I figured you used the mouthpiece to pump it. Being the narc that I was, I ran over to a teacher and told them I found ‘something bad.’ The teacher’s reaction confirmed it for me. It was definitely something grown men were sticking their dicks into.”

Ryan: I remember the first time I heard someone say they had hair on their anus I panicked.  I thought that was the most weird thing I had ever heard of.  How does a person have hair on their anus?  Years later, I now find it attractive and nothing turns me on more than Venice rolling me over and licking my hairy anus.  For the record, I shaved for 20 years before I finally gave in to the idea that it felt good to be natural and manly.  It probably took me so long to accept it because of how weird I thought it was when I first heard someone talk about hair on and around the anus.   

Anthony Bonazzo, comedian and actor
“When I was really young, like 13, my Italian neighbor Fabio once told me and my friends that if you have sex with a woman too hard you could get her pregnant. I knew that there was no way this could be true, but I planned on being very gentle when I finally did have sex just to be safe. Sadly, that didn’t happen for a long time.”

Ryan: Until I met Venice, I thought getting my dick sucked actually meant I was going to have a girl sit there and suck on my penis, like giving it a hickie.    Rather than a girl using her hands, the lips sliding up and down, and licking the penis, I just thought it was a girl just purely sucking and using hour mouth to create endless suction.  I didn’t think I would ever cum from getting my dick sucked because it didn’t really make sense to me.  I found out later, it was more of an expression that meant a woman using her mouth on your penis.  Btw, Venice has never given my penis head a hickie.  

Feel free to share yours!

Q&A: Did He Go To Far During Sex? He Stuck A Gun Inside me.

He stuck a gun inside me during sex.  Did he go to far? Sex and Guns.

I told him he could use whatever he wanted as long as it was clean and wouldn’t hurt (makes no difference to me, it doesn’t turn me on so as long as it’s not anything big we’re good). I was on the bed, on my knees with my chest and face down on the bed (butt in the air) so I couldn’t see him. Well, he got his gun out of the nightstand and put it inside of me. I asked what it was and he asked if I liked it. I pulled away and flipped around and it was in his hand and he was laughing! I told him that was fucked up and he said it wasn’t loaded but I don’t believe him.

Did he go too far or was it my fault for saying he could use (almost) anything? I honestly never even thought about the gun otherwise I would have told him not to use it. I’m kind of angry at him over this.

Venice’s response to sex and guns
The really fucked up thing about this is that he laughed when he saw your reaction. He definitely wanted exactly that type of reaction from you by not telling you. What’s even worse, he turned an intimate moment, a moment where he was given your complete trust, and turned it into a laughable experience for him. How could he ever expect to be given free sexual trust reign again? If you do decide to let him “use anything” in you, be ready to take ANYTHING: a ziplock of leftovers, a bag of mud, or a animal shaped horse dildo. 

Sex and the things you do with your partner should be things you are comfortable with.  If you are angry, talk to him and let him know that putting a gun inside you, unloaded or not, is not something you are comfortable with.  I trust my husband, but part of that trust is knowing he wouldn’t attempt to shove anything that could hurt me.  It’s not your fault this happened, but because the communication wasn’t clear, things got a little carried away.  Make sure you are very clear with what you want shoved inside your vagina from here on out, and take this as a lesson learned.  Sometimes men go a little too far if you let them, so nip this in the bud so he isn’t shoving his collectors edition samurai sword in you next!  Sex and Guns.

Ryan’s response to sex and guns
This one is pretty straight forward.  First of all, a gun in a night stand is not clean.  It has all types of bacteria, oils, and grease that definitely do not belong inside your vagina.  They have dildos made from certain materials that aren’t safe to be inside you, so a gun definitely is not clean or safe.  He crossed a line.  You made it clear it had to be clean.

Communicate with him and let him know that you are not cool with having guns shoved up your vagina. I noticed that you said him shoving objects in you doesn’t turn you on.  Sometimes when people are disinterested, but still let their partner do things to them, they try to communicate or “teach” their partner that they are not “turned on” by certain things by having no real reaction or showing disinterest.  This is not how you communicate.  In their minds, they think showing disinterest will lead to him not wanting to explore his kink or do that type of thing again.  Showing disinterest will not be good for either of you. If you were showing interest, he probably wouldn’t try to shove something in you that would shocked a reaction out of you.  It may just be a cry for attention, or an angry attempt at showing you that if you don’t care what is in your vagina, then he doesn’t either.  Not saying he is right in what he did, because he is not.  I am just trying to figure out why he would shove a gun in you.  I think getting any type of response was his goal.  He got it.  A gun seems to be an “angry object.”  As a man, I get the thrill of it, but part of the thrill for me is Venice accepting it.  Maybe make an agreement that prior to sticking things inside you he lets you know what it is.  This seems safer than playing dildo Russian roulette with your back turned waiting to find out what the object he decides to shove inside you  is until after he pulls it out.  It also may help that you show more interest in his kinks and maybe react to his ideas or his excitement in seeing things slide inside you.  Being passive aggressive and unenthusiastic is one of the biggest factors in ruining a sex life.  Pay attention to what he is sliding in you.  Show enthusiasm towards his excitement.   If you were watching, you would have said “no” as soon as he touched his gun.Sex and Guns.

 

Ass to Mouth, Rim Jobs, Analingus, Ass Play, Safe?

First, I am not going to blog about ‘ass to mouth’ with strangers, with random internet  partners, or with threesomes or foursomes in an open relationship.  Although we do not judge other couples and their life choices, it’s not what we do, so it’s not what I am going to blog about.   My blog regarding ‘ass to mouth’ is strictly between a husband and wife in a monogamous relationship.  I also want to make very clear that I am not a scientist or microbiologist.  I do not claim to have any factual truths other than I have always eatin’ Venice’s ass (she has done the same with me) as deep as my tongue can go, and  have never had any of the diseases mentioned below, in any shape or form in my adult life.  Venice and I have been tested for everything: hep, hiv, genital herpes, and more, and both have and have always had a STD clean bill of health. Is ass to mouth safe?

***I originally started this blog years ago with the intentions of showing that ass to mouth was not as harmful as we are lead to believe.  Sometimes in life, things seen as uncivil or “disgusting” to some people, get pushed as bad for all of us.  An agenda.  Anal sex, marijuana, and various other things immediately come to mind.  After putting up the good fight, I have now concluded that I can’t say ass to mouth is without risk. If you and your partner are healthy, haven’t eaten fresh seafood, and do not show any signs of being sick, analingus is risky, but much less risky.  However, so is kissing!   I will publish the blog below and let you digest all the information below for yourselves.  

Ass to mouth is a colloquial term used in pornographic movies. It refers to the withdrawal of a person’s penis from the receptive partner’s anus followed by the immediate insertion of the penis into the receptive partner’s mouth.  Can a person get sick from something already inside his/her own colon?  

This blog deals with two ideas.  Can sticking your tongue inside your partners anus, get you sick.  Can sticking your own anus bacteria into your mouth get you sick (sucking on a penis after it has been inside your anus).  These are two very different ideas.  One of the ideas deals with the concept of getting yourself sick with something already in your body.  For instance, can you catch the flu from swallowing your saliva that already has the flu germ on your tongue.  Think about that for a second. 

Are You Immune to Analingus and Ass To Mouth?

Before we start, I noticed this study that says that some people are immune to E. coli because of their genetic make up.  This may explain why some people can do all the nasty things their heart desires, without getting sick.  Is ass to mouth safe?

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Q&A: Help, My Husband had 17 orgasms in one session! Multiple Orgasms Question

Help, My Husband had 17 orgasms in one session! Multiple Orgasms.

So, I was wondering how common this was… my husband (38) can ejaculate and orgasm multiple times without having a break in between and without losing an erection. I’ve been with a few guys in my time and they always go once and once they cum that’s it, game over for at least half an hour. But with my partner he can keep going until he gets physically tired/ or too sore to carry on. Our record was 17 times in one session. On the flip side I’m a female who’s never experienced a multiple orgasm because I think I have a strong refractory response. So my question is, how is this possible? He stops fully ejaculating (producing semen) after around 6/7 orgasms but the response is still the same. I’ve tried asking my husband if he was always able to do it and haven’t really had a definitive answer. I worry I’m not pleasuring him enough as well as I seem to link this with him having a high sex drive.

Venice’s response to a man with multiple orgasms:

Semen production seems to just be the byproduct of ejaculation, because if a man can ejaculate 17 times, it’s only natural to assume that he will not produce semen as fast as he can expel it. So after about 6 or 7 times, for him to be completely dried out…yea, that makes sense. However, I don’t believe this is an issue of you not pleasing him enough. Some mens’ libido is insatiable, and the only way things that can stop him from going on forever are pain (e.g. dry/chafed penis skin, pulled muscle) or stamina (e.g. each orgasm takes exponentially longer to achieve). It’s rare, but from reading online and seeing various questions like yours, a lot of men also do not have the refractory period that shuts their libido down.  Probably the ones with the really hot girlfriends and wives?!   Sex feels good. If he can easily get 17 orgasms out in the time it would take another man 1 or 2, then why wouldn’t he? 

My only advice here is, communicate with him and make him understand that after 16 of them, it isn’t quite as fun or special to you.  If it is, ignore this advice.  If it bothers you and you are bored because he keeps going, make sure to let him know.  Some men think  going forever means they are good in bed.  That’s not true.  Knowing when to stop makes you a great lover, not timing yourself and going forever.   

Ryan’s response to a man with multiple orgasms:

I used to masturbate prone which gave me the ability to orgasm without needing to be erect.  I made a blog about the effects this had on me later in life, one of them being I can also have multiple orgasms until I get tired. I think because I didn’t need an erection to masturbate, I could just keep going for as long as I wanted.  When I first started having sex with Venice, I didn’t even know I was supposed to stop until I was tired.  I would orgasm over and over until I couldn’t produce anymore semen and then stop.  The internet wasn’t as informative and there really wasn’t any place I could learn how a man should orgasm.  It was natural for me to cum and keep going.  Honestly, I don’t think Venice knew better either, because it wasn’t something we discussed or mentioned being different from normal sex. Neither of us was sexually experienced. Over the years I have gradually had orgasms where it was one major ejaculation and I stop.  In those cases, I do have a refractory period.  I am not sure if I learned to build up my release so when it does happen, I relax and just let everything in my body go.  Or gradually over the years, I cum once because I am tired after cumming once and don’t really see the need to keep going and make myself feel like I am dying from exhaustion.   There are still times I can release and ask Venice to keep going, or she will give me oral sex when I pull out of her until I cum again.  I can’t explain why or how I do this other than my sex drive is so strong, having an orgasm doesn’t take away how much I want to cum in her.  My body stays turned on because of how good sex was, not that I wasn’t satisfied.  If I wasn’t satisfied, not only would I have a refractory period, I’d have a hard time getting hard to begin with.    

It’s a compliment he wants you so bad.  If it bugs you that he keeps going, let him know.  Admittedly, without a refractory period, it’s easy to get “greedy” and keep going.  Sometimes the urge to orgasm makes you forget that there is a human underneath you that is exhausted, in pain, sore, and just wants to relax and wash.  Sex isn’t about torturing your partner just because you can keep going.