Q&A: I have been married 3 years and have never had sex with my wife.

Dilators

Velvi Dilators for Treating Vaginismus

Sam from California

Hello, I am male, 33 years old, and  married my high school sweetheart.   We have been married 3+ years and still haven’t had sex.    Yes, I have never had sex with her.   I do get the occasional hand job, and maybe once every few months she will actually put her mouth on my penis, so I guess I would call that a blow job.   However, I have never had intercourse with her in any way. 
 
She has tried with other men in the past but it was so painful it made her scream and cry.  Eventually she went to her OB and he diagnosed her with Vaginismus.  She has always been too embarrassed to deal with it.  I love her with all my heart and do not want to put her through any unnecessary shame either.   I would like a child so I have suggested we adopt a child to keep her as stress free as possible.   At times though, I get weak and feel like I am really missing something from this relationship, but I don’t want to blame her.  Am I wrong to feel a bit resentful?  

 
Vaginismus, sometimes anglicized vaginism, is the German name for a condition that affects a woman’s ability to engage in any form of vaginal penetration, includingsexual intercourse, insertion of tampons and/or menstrual cups, and the penetration involved in gynecological examinations. This is the result of a reflex of the pubococcygeus muscle, which is sometimes referred to as the “PC muscle”. The reflex causes the muscles in the vagina to tense suddenly, which makes any kind of vaginal penetration—including sexual intercourse—painful or impossible.
Venice Bloggs response: 
It’s disappointing to hear that you guys have been married for so long and have not been successful at achieving a sex life that includes active sex. To be honest, I’ve had to do some researching on what exactly was vagismus was. The consensus seems to echo several key ideas: vaginal pain during intercourse, vagismus can stem from physical trauma to the vagina, psychological factors, and/or history of discomfort during sex. Fortunately, this is a real medical condition that can be rectified with treatment. Ignoring the problem (and, yes, this is a real problem for you both) or believing adoption of a child will make everything better are two of the worst things you can do. That’s like taking Tylenol for pain caused by kidney stones, when really, you need to take out the dang kidney stones. Treating the symptoms and ignoring the disease will end up disastrous.
By not addressing this problem, you are preventing each other from fully enjoying each other in ways every married couple, in my opinion, should. That may sound a little shallow and maybe it is, but I know I need to have physical, sexual contact with Ryan to feel like I am fully connecting with him. Which is why it’s not the same if I perform oral sex on him until he cums when I’m on my period. I can’t imagine living my marriage like I was menstruating 24-hours a day. People need to connect, mesh, get dirty, plain ol’ fuck, to complete the relationship stage. It’s as if you were both stuck in your 17-year-old mind states: ignoring the problem, appeasing your partner by not taking a stand to do what will help you both, and finding ways to mask the dilemma with an equally problematic solution.
Though your wife’s problem is not uncommon, all the information suggests the same: it’s treatable. Talk to your wife and let her know that it will help you grow and strengthen your marriage. Overcoming her condition will open other doors as far as marital or other problems, as well as break down barriers in and out of the bedroom.
Ryan Bloggs response:
Oh man, I could probably type an essay answering this one.  First, if she is too embarrassed to deal with it, how does she even know she has Vaginismus?  My first suggestion is for her to see an OB/GYN and actually get some sort of confirmation she has this ailment.   If she has already done this, how many times have you yourself actually tried to have intercourse with her?   Did she have a boyfriend before you that she tried with and it hurt too bad?  I am sorry I am answering your question with my questions, but it seems like too much is missing here.
As a man, which is the purpose of me and Venice both answering questions, I’d suggest you have a serious discussion with your wife about the importance of sex in your relationship.  I understand this may stress her out, but she needs to decide which stressor is more serious to her .  The stress of an unhappy husband and marriage or the stress of seeing a doctor regarding her condition.  Vaginismus is very treatable, and although it may take a while for her to gradually get used to  the size of your penis, had she started 3 years ago, you both would have been sexually active at this point.
You’ve even suggested adopting a child to ignore the issue altogether.  Is it your plan to be married and raise a family with a woman you’ve never had sex with?   I will never understand this behavior or reasoning.  The foundation to a strong marriage is a great sex life.  If everything is going wrong in your life, the bills aren’t being paid and you are working long hours, the one thing you can control and depend on, is your sex life.   As long as you are both on the same page.  Two people in a marriage can’t control the economy, random stressors, or outside elements that effect a marriage, but they can definitely control their intimacy.  When I am being intimate with Venice, the whole world shuts off around me.  My bubble consists of me and her, her body and mine, our words, our kisses, our bodies melting into each other,  no matter what is around me.  I feel the following statement has became a bit cliche, but women want an Alpha male.   Everything in  your post suggests that you do not mind being her good little boy, even if her condition is serious.   I say that carefully, because I do not want to mock women that suffer from Vaginismus, but I do know that your wife doesn’t suffer from Mouthismus.  Your comment regarding her putting her mouth on your penis every few months tells me that you really are bitter deep down inside and you are taking whatever it is you can get from her sexually.  If your wife wanted to be intimate with you, she would have went to the doctor’s office 3 years ago.   If she was so embarrassed but wanted to please you, she’d satisfy you orally much more than just every few months.  That is absolutely ridiculous.   There are also other options, such as having anal sex, which we have posted about on this blog numerous times.  I am sure her anus functions properly, so she is capable of pleasing you this way if she wanted.  Gay men also have Vaginismus, it’s called a penis hole, but they still seem to have great sex lives.  There are other holes besides the vagina that feel amazing.  I really doubt the lack of sex after 3 years has anything to do with Vaginismus.
Man up.  If her condition is serious, get her to her OB/GYN so she can work her way into at least trying intercourse with you.   Do not suggest adopting kids, as this behavior suggests that you are okay with never have sex with her.  Are you okay with that?
Also, you both need to see a marriage counselor and a sex therapist, this one is way beyond my capacity.  3 years is habit forming.  She possibly has ruled out sex in her life forever.   Not good.

12 Date Night Ideas

Date night

Date night.

1. No money? No problem! Like many couples, we didn’t have the luxury of spending money. In fact, we scrimped and saved so much that we had very, very few date nights. So one day, we went to Toys R Us and bought a coloring book and a box of crayons. The Crayola 64-pack, to be exact. We splurged. That night, Mr. Smith and I colored, he on the left pages and I on the right. Then we played a game of “let’s see who can name the most crayon colors without looking at the label.” I don’t remember who won. It was probably me though.

2. Record Hunting. Who would have thought I’d see another Fleetwood Mac record after I moved out of my parents’ house? Digging for records is something we enjoy doing together. We look for imperfections, scratches on the record, dented cover art – these were made 20-30 years ago, and finding them in the best condition is very difficult. We find it relaxing.

3. Blockbuster Night. Or a Netflix night, even a Redbox night. I could watch a zombie movie or a comedy, or one of each. Nothing like finding an excuse to squeeze Mr. Smith’s hand or have him cover my eyes. Another idea is to have a theme, like a Russell Crowe-a-thon or movies from the 80s. Have your remote controls ready and don’t forget your popcorn.

4. Bookworming. Another relaxing date is hanging out at the bookstore. It doesn’t matter if it’s Books-a-Million or a used book store. We usually don’t end up buying any books, maybe a magazine and a coffee.

5. Level up. We can spend an entire night playing video games. Revisit your childhood together by playing a video game. If it’s a one-player game you’ll have to pass the paddle; two-player games are even better.

6. Free events. The calendar on our city’s website has a list of free events: poetry readings, recitals, exhibitions, etc. You can plan them several months in advance so if you don’t feel like spending a ton of money or you’re looking for a change from the ordinary,

7. Thrift shopping. One year we decided to wear cheesy Christmas sweaters to our holiday parties. We just knew that it wouldn’t be a problem finding them. But believe it or not, they ranged between $20-$60 that year on eBay. Umm…no. Our local Goodwill had them, of course. And for $3. I wouldn’t really consider this a date night, but it’s still something fun to do without spending a lot of money.

8. Turn up the heat. In the kitchen, that is. The Food Network has a lot of meals that are inexpensive, quick, with ingredients that are available at your local grocery store. I’ve used the Food Network website to come up with appetizers, meals, and desserts. It’s a trial and error thing, but it’s a great way to put variety in your dinner dates.

9. Go camping. Tents can be pricey. Before we bought our own, we rented one and pitched it in our yard. The next morning we were awaken by ants. Lesson: don’t bring Cheese Puffs into your tent because even if they’re unopened they’ll find them.

10. The new place. Try a new restaurant that neither of you have been to. It doesn’t have to be a $40 a plate joint. Go to the new Indian restaurant or that place that makes oven-baked subs. You’ll both be experiencing something new, and therefore creating a new memory together.

11. Say cheese! We may forego our Friday night date if we’re too tired. But the next day we’ll walk around downtown or along the river and take pictures. Not with a photo app, but with a Nikon.

12. Re-enact your first date. Remember your first date together? Make a play list of music from that year, wear the same outfit, and go back to that theater where you first saw that movie.date nights we’ve had. Here are some of my favorites:

 

This blog post is a work in progress.
Last updated:    10/30/2012