Q&A: My Mother Opened A Very Large Dildo on Accident that I ordered

My Mother Opened A Very Large Dildo on Accident that I Ordered

I own two vibrators. One, I bought and had it sent to the post office out of fear of this exact thing happening to me. But, recently, I bought another one and thought fuck it, my family has never opened one of my packages before. It won’t kill me to have it sent directly to my address.

So I was sitting in my living room, cool as a fucking cucumber, when the doorbell went, and my mom said it was the neighbour with a package they held for us because we were not home when the delivery guy showed up.  I didn’t think anything of it – my package wasn’t due for like another two weeks. Well, I guess Amazon wanted to give me a really nice surprise, lucky me!

Two things my mom should learn is: 1) Wait for a reply after knocking on my door, and, I guess after this 2) READ THE FUCKING NAME ON A PACKAGE! She stood in front of me opening it, stared at the package for a bit and said “That’s not mine”. My heart fell into my fucking vagina as I realised what it was.

Okay, maybe it isn’t as bad as it sounds, because it isn’t immediately obvious what it is. It’s a huge bat shaped box, shaped like I ordered a golf club or something.  Thankfully, there were no pictures on the front, just the name of the brand and the slogan, which was something like ‘created for your happiness’. I mean, that could be anything, right? But me, being a stupid bitch, after fumbling a bit saying I didn’t know what that could be, decided to say, “oh, I think they’ll probably be my coasters”. Don’t even ask, it’s the only thing I had also ordered that I could think of. Coasters. To put your drinks on. Put into a long box labelled ‘created for your happiness’? Who on earth receives happiness from fucking COASTERS?

To make matters worse, I then had to sit there with my mom watching Game of Thrones, holding this huge Louisville Slugger shaped box in my hand.  To leave the room, I had to go past my mom – how do I walk past my mom holding a vibrator whilst trying to act nonchalant? Oh yeah, no big deal, just my coasters… in a box that is shaped like a loaf of bread, don’t mind me.

Thank God my dad didn’t come home.  I would’ve literally rather unboxed it in front of my mom than explain that shit to my dad. In my room, I looked at the side of the box, and there were fucking vibrating settings. I still have no idea if my mom saw that. Wow, I fucking pray to God she didn’t.

Venice’s response to Mother Opened A Very Large Dildo

Well, at least your mother knows if anyone breaks into your house she can run into your room and use your dildo for protection.  Sounds like you could fight off a dang lion with that thing!

Thanks for sharing your story!   Not really a question, but yes, when ordering sex toys and living with others, you may want to get a P.O. Box to insure privacy.  We share our shipping with our daughter, because she is a student (anything for a student discount), so our story would be the exact opposite!   She’d accidentally open our packages!  Oh gosh.

I will make sure I tackle her  at the door when I see her opening a packages shaped like a huge baseball bat!  

Ryan’s response to Mother Opened A Very Large Dildo

Hilarious story!   

It’s crazy how taboo and scary sex is.  If it was a back massager, or anything else used for personal enjoyment, totally fine.  If it is something sexual?  End of the world!  That’s what is so funny about sex and all the different sex experiences you have in your lifetime.  Sometimes the most embarrassing moments will be the memories you laugh at for years.  For Venice and I, one of our worst experiences we’ve had (with another female) is the funniest story we have.  It’s the gift that keeps on giving.  We have inside jokes, a sure fire funny story we can share with people we meet in the lifestyle, and for such a bad experience, it gave us so much more throughout the years than the actual good experiences.   How weird is that?

Not that this helps, but I assume by now, you are over the embarrassment and have moved on.  Time fixes everything.   Enjoy your tennis racket! 

 

Q&A: Opinions On Buying A Huge Dildo For My Wife?

HugeQ&A: Opinions On Buying A Huge Dildo For My Wife?

Been married 19 years and our sex life really got good again a couple years ago. I am 43 and she is 41.

She has a low sex drive and hates to talk about sex, so I usually just try stuff and sometimes it sticks. I noticed one night on giving her an erotic massage I was fingering her and I kept adding fingers. I couldn’t believe how much she was taking but she was loving it and eventually had a small vaginal orgasm which is rare (she is clitoral).

She doesn’t like to admit such things but she admitted liking this. I told her I had 4 fingers in there and she looked at me like don’t tell me that. So…like I said, she doesn’t like to talk about it.

I have kidded around about a large dildo. She usually laughs but sometimes looks interested. She took advantage of my birthday by saying, “if you really want to use one on me, you can.” BTW – I am above average. I don’t think she would have ever considered until realizing the “stretch” I gave her with my hands felt so good. Plus, she has become more vaginal in the past year and even squirting.

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