Q&A: Should I Tell My Husband I Am Gay?

Should I Tell My Husband I Am Gay?

We got married seven years ago after dating for just four months. I was in my early 20s, a virgin, without any sexual experience and I thought my attraction to women was a phase that I would get over once I started having sex with a man. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, and I’ve been repressing my desires ever since.

I genuinely love and care for my husband, he’s my best friend and the father of my children, we have built a family, a home and a life together. I would never walk away from him, we still have sex 2-3 times a week which is a lot after seven years and two kids. I do enjoy having sex with him. Physically it feels good, and it’s the only kind of sex I know. Initially, I had vaginismus, a psychological condition where the vagina muscles tense up, but I’ve learnt to relax. We do most things in bed but the act that makes me the most uncomfortable is kissing. I’ve never enjoyed kissing, especially passionate open-mouth kissing. When he initiates a kiss, I try to turn away or close my lips or let him kiss me while I think of something else. He has noticed this, but I’ve just told him that I don’t like to be kissed on the lips. This is the only thing that I dislike… I actually enjoy or don’t mind the other parts of our sex life.

Lately, I’ve been more and more curious about what it would be like to be with a woman. It’s a longing almost. I want to find the woman of my dreams, yet I don’t want to give up the life I have with my husband. I want to stay with him, I want to keep having sex with him, but I want to see other women.

I’m not bisexual, I’m 99% gay. I haven’t been attracted to men other than my husband, and my attraction to him only slowly developed over the course of many months.

I’m worried about how he would respond. I don’t want him to think that I’ve been deceiving him all this time or that I’m not attracted to him or that I’m going to leave him. I’ve thought about telling him that I’m bisexual and want to explore my attraction to other women in real life, which he can handle I think. Or should I just tell him the truth.. that I’m gay and have always been this way?

Venice’s response:
Of course you should tell your husband you are gay.  That’s what being married and communicating is all about.  I felt the same way as you 5 years ago when we started this blog.  As a woman I am loyal to my husband so my attraction to men, if I have any, is suppressed by that loyalty.  I just don’t feel it.  However, I am totally into women and if a girl shows interest, I am down to experience what they have to offer.   I can see photos of various nude men on social media, and regardless, my love makes my husband better in every way. I think this is my instinct because I want to protect my man, his ego, and make sure he has nothing to be self conscious about. However, I feel safe and comfortable thinking about women, enjoying women, and being intimate with them.  It doesn’t threaten my loyalty.

My answer is a simple yes.  Tell your husband.  Although our blog goes into my entire journey, rather than having separate intimate relationships with women, which is almost like compartmentalizing your life, I share everything with him and from my first kiss with another girl, to today, we have experienced everything together.  I don’t regret it.  It was the best thing that happened in our relationship.  We are open to more experiences, but we have been totally monogamous for the last 3 years.  Partially because it’s not easy to find a woman interested in a couple, and partially because we just aren’t actively looking like we used to do.  Either way, definitely communicate your emotions, sexuality, and feelings with your spouse.

Ryan’s response:
Venice said pretty much everything I’d say.  Definitely tell your husband.

On another note, I have noticed that Venice isn’t big on kissing.  If I ask, of course she will, but unless she is a bit sauced up, she prefers to use her mouth to talk dirty or moan during sex. With women, she definitely kisses and seems to really enjoy it.  I don’t find it offensive, because I wouldn’t want to kiss a big husky guy either.   She may be dealing with the same feelings you deal with with your husband.   I’d also suggest staying committed to your relationship unless you are willing to explore with your husband.  I don’t think exploring alone outside of your relationship is a good thing, nor do I think it will help your bond with him.  A lot of people in the lifestyle disagree, but that’s how I feel.

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