What were my first thoughts when I read: Alyssa Milano Releases a Sex Tape?
I thought, oh god, not her, not my my precious Samantha Micelli. Not my save a buck or two Eva Savelot. Wasn’t Pathology or Poison Ivy already sex tape enough? Plus she is so damn nice on twitter, I was beginning to Fear the worse. I bet she’d even retweet me if I asked nicely enough! She is such a Charmer.
I will admit, I did grow up with her on Who’s The Boss. Yes, we grew up together in more ways than one. My childhood’s Deadly Sins. It was either Wendy Cooper from Wonder Years, Punky Brewster, Laura Ingalls from Little House on The Prairie, or Samantha Micelli from Who’s The Boss. I won’t mention Saved By The Bell because even I threw myself for a loop with that one. Oh Lisa Turtle, you chocolate princess, I don’t care if Screech would have fought me to keep you from me, you gave me my first taste of jungle fever. Sex tape, rated r movie, or even a soft core after midnight Cinemax movie like Hugo Pool, our attention is yours… which was Alyssa Milano’s plan to begin with. She pulls us in like the Embrace of the Vampire.
Oh Alyssa, if your annoying boyfriend laying in bed with rose petals surrounding him wasn’t enough, you just had to lean over and show us those glorious Eva Savelot breasts that have helped me numerous times save a friend a buck or two dialing 1-800-collect. However, before I could get too comfortable and enjoy Alyssa’s Utopia Below, her huge foot accidentally knocks the camera into The Outer Limits so all we see is the evening news regarding Syria. Honestly, I don’t know if this Celebrity Hoax Tape upsets the loyal Who’s The Boss fan base more than it will upset them when they realize that instead of recording their hot and steamy session of throwing their covers around while sounding like a laboring farm animal, they instead recorded that boring ass news broadcast.
If there was a hidden message in this video, I’d say it was Alyssa Milano isn’t showing what she has shown many times before. One thing I do know, she didn’t do PETA any favors, because after hearing the audio of what it was supposed to sound like to have sex with her, I seriously want to eat an entire cow while it’s mooing in my ear.
I’m a little bit torn because I am unsure of whether I should put this in Sex News or Off Topic sections? Alyssa, what would you prefer? Tweet me sweetie. @fuckblogging